The greatest American holiday is upon us.
Sure it may not be an actual holiday, but it’s definitely more important than some real holidays. What is Labor Day anyway? No one knows because no one cares about it.
The Super Bowl, though, is another story. Millions of people around the entire globe, and by the entire globe I mean just America, tune in to watch the year’s most important sporting event. They will cheer for touchdowns, laugh at Bud Light ads, and general have a pretty decent time.
You don’t want your guests to have a “pretty decent time,” though. This is Super Bowl Sunday, the most important unofficial holiday ever. You want them to have anywhere from “really good time” to a “life-altering party experience.”
Fortunately for you, I’m here to help. Follow my three Super Bowl party tips, and you’re sure to have guests singing your praises by night’s end.
- Double check your guest list
The quickest party killer is a bad guest list. Just one boring person can ruin everyone’s night. A Super Bowl party is no different.
One of the worst people to invite is the football-fan-aspirant. This person has no interest in football 364 days out of the year. Then, all of a sudden, Super Bowl Sunday causes spike in his interest in the game.
While this may seem harmless, it is quite detrimental to everyone else’s football viewing experience. No one wants to answer questions like “Who is the quarterback?” or “What inning are we in now?” This person will force everyone to explain every rule to the game and most likely make comments about the team’s uniforms all game. They should not be anywhere near a Super Bowl party, lest you want it to be a long night for everyone.
On the other end of things, you will regret it even more if you invite too big of a football fan. Screaming can be very scary, but especially when you are trying to peacefully enjoy your guacamole when the person next to you bellows about the slot receiver missing his route. No one knows what that means, no one cares.
Your guest list should aim for the middle-tier of football fans. You want people who know what a football is, but no one who can name the entire roster of the 1992 Cincinnati Bengals. It’s a very tricky balance to maintain, but it will be much less likely that everyone will leave your party wishing death on one of your guests. After all, no one wanting to murder anyone else is always the sign of a good shindig.
- Choose the appropriate menu
Super Bowl Sunday may not be an actual holiday, but to many Americans, it is as big as Christmas. Like any American holiday, the most important detail is food.
The key to a good Super Bowl menu is grease. The more grease the better. There should be so much grease that it is a hazard to walk anywhere inside your home. If you do not hear someone complaining about dripping grease on their shirt once every half hour, your menu has failed.
You may be saying, “But I eat healthy foods. How am I supposed to know what to serve my guests?”
It’s actually very simple. Suppose, for instance, you would normally serve a nice humus and pita chips. Instead, serve the complete opposite. Replace all of the natural chickpeas in humus with the cheese-like substance in Velveeta, swap out tortilla chips for those pita things, and you have terrible nachos that might kill a person. That is a perfect Super Bowl food.
If you replace your grilled chicken with chicken wings and any and all vegetables with any and all fried food, you’re in business. You will have given your guests digestive issues for the next week, a sure sign of Super Bowl party success.
- Locate adequate entertainment
Let’s be honest: the last thing most people care about at a Super Bowl party is the actual Super Bowl. The game is usually a fairly uneventful break between some very good commercials. You don’t want your whole party to depend on those commercials for entertainment. It could be a down year or, even worse, it could just be 300 commercials for “The Voice.”
One way to avoid this is back up party games. Everyone would get a kick out of “Pin the tail on Eli Manning.” Who wouldn’t want to take a swing at a Tom Brady piñata? You should definitely keep these in your back pocket at all times. You don’t want a lull. That’s how riots start.
If you don’t think that will work, log onto iTunes and download some inspirational music. Even the most boring game is better with “Chariots of Fire” playing in the background. No one can be bored when they feel that inspired. In fact, there is a very real chance someone might tear up just listening to it.
Really, you should find anything that can be even remotely entertaining. If you don’t use it during the game, the halftime show will definitely need it. No one wants to hear Madonna sing. Even Madonna is sick of her music.
Following these tips will guarantee you a great Super Bowl party. Maybe not a great one, but at least a pretty decent Super Bowl party.
Let’s not build up expectations too much here. It’s not like it’s a real holiday.
- Super Bowl Parties: Staples That Must Be a Part of Your Big Game Bash (bleacherreport.com)
- Seven Things You Will Need For Your Super Bowl Party This Sunday! (q104.radio.com)
- All Hands Fire Equipment Announces Super Bowl Party Safety Tips (prweb.com)
- Is It Possible To Have An Eco-Friendly, Green, Sustainable And Vegan Super Bowl Party? Should You? (jubbling.com)
- 11 Super Bowl Party Essentials (thedailymeal.com)
- How to make a Super Bowl Party CarFree? (carfreebrad.com)