Romance is dead.
It’s more than just dead. It died, was resuscitated at the last-minute, then shot in the face by the resuscitator. It was buried in a grave with no fanfare, no recognition.
Gone are the days of true romantic gestures being fashioned by men after going to great length to meet that one lost person who has caught his eye. They have been replaced with Facebook messages and sexting. It would be nice if a person would bring back the original romantic gesture.
It simply is not possible, though. Romance is truly dead. If you don’t believe me, take into account this story.
On October 22nd, Evagelina Paredes was pulled over for speeding in Chicago. While most police officers would have seen a reckless, terrible driver who refuses to abide by the rules of the road, Officer Chris Collins saw something else: love.
After ticketing Paredes and sending her on her way, Collins could not remove Cupid’s arrow from his buttocks. He was still hooked on Paredes. He longed to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. Unfortunately, the big stupid-head forgot to get Paredes’ address or phone number.
“Wait just a gol’ durn second,” Collins said to himself. “I may not have directly asked for her information so that I can pursue wooing her, but I do happen to have her information right here in my ticketing book. How could I use this to my advantage?”
After roughly 2-3 weeks, a brilliant inspiration struck Collins upside the head like a pillowcase full of soda cans. If he had her address, which he did indeed have, he could send her a note. Collins sat down and racked his brain for the perfect words. Inspiration struck and suddenly the words poured from his fingertips to the piece of paper.
The perfection of his written words was so great, he was nearly blinded:
“It’s Chris … that ugly bald Stickney cop who gave you that ticket. … I know this may seem crazy and you’re probably right, but truth is I have not stopped thinking about you since. I don’t expect a girl as attractive as you to … even go for a guy like me, but I’m taking a shot anyways.
“I did cost you $132 – least I can do is buy you dinner.”
Collins drove to the address he had carefully jotted down. He jumped out of his car and placed it on the windshield of, what I assume was, a bright red Mini Cooper. Paredes spied the note as she approached her car. She opened it and was immediately moved like most women would be, quickly grabbing her jacket, jumping into her Mini Cooper, and driving to the police station to be swept up in Collins’ arms.
Just kidding. She sued him.
This action has practically been the plot of nearly 95% of date night movies since the mid 1960’s. Just like that, though, Paredes crushed the dreams of billions upon billions of women under her evil, love hating foot. Sure, Collins probably didn’t look like Hugh Grant, but his gesture was so creepily romantic that, based on movie knowledge, she should immediately swoon over him.
Now love has died, the romantic gesture has been slaughtered by a woman, all because she thought he “violated her right to privacy.” What a baby. Dozens of women have their privacy violated in summer movies every year and they only briefly complain before being swept up in the romance and sculpted, rock hard abs that the leading man brings to the table.
There is nothing Paredes can do to make up for this. The end of romance has arrived thanks to her.
You know the part of romantic comedies where the two are initially attracted, then the woman hates the guy, then the guy has some declaration that is so great, the woman has no choice but to love him forever, or at least for the last 15 minutes of the movie? Maybe, just maybe, this could happen:
Judge: Well, Mr. Collins, what do you have to say for yourself?
Chris Collins: Nothing, your honor. (Entire courtroom gasps) I have nothing to say, except this: I’ve pulled over hundreds of women. Every day, a new woman. You know what, judge? This woman is the only one I’ve remembered. There’s a reason for that. When it’s right, it’s right. I’m sure you can understand this judge. Surely once you did something crazy to show you love someone. (Judge looks towards the back of courtroom, remembering a long-lost love.)
Now, all I can think about is this woman. I want to walk with her, see movies with her, go to the store with her. Mostly, though, I just want to be with her. Who’s going to tell me that that’s wrong? Well, judge, if you find it necessary, rule in her favor. Just know that no matter what you decide, I won’t stop loving her. I can’t stop loving her. What can I say? I guess sometimes a speeding ticket leads to something bigger… (Entire courtroom bursts into applause. The judge, tears in his eyes, slams the gavel down while declaring the suit over. Evagelina Paredes rushes into the arms of Chris Collins and the two embrace.)
If this suit does not end this way, I’ll never forgive Paredes. More importantly, Hugh Grant, Katherine Heigl, and Matthew McConaughey will never forgive. If actions like this persist, the entire Rom/Com genre of film will completely die.
Please, Paredes, for the love all that is good in the world, drop the lawsuit. Love, and more importantly Matthew McConaughey’s career, depends on it.
You mean life is not like a movie? Well, thanks for dropping that bomb! I guess next you’ll be telling me Santa and The Easter Bunny don’t exist.
Based on all the movies I’ve seen, they do. We’re okay there… for now.
Wow.. what a bitch! Most people would just take the note and crumple it up if not interested.
I am so sick of people trying to profit off of an “injustice.”
More importantly, I’m tired of people refusing to allow life to be exactly like movies. What a bunch of jerks.
Six. Very well written but oh so painfull.
Thank you for keeping count. Very nice of you.
Ha, I can tell you that Paredes is just a stupid isolated case that couldn’t kill romance if she tried!
I met my now-husband when I was working at a dive centre where he was a customer. We hooked up but after the season was over, I went back to Germany while he lived in London. Big op coming up shortly afterwards for him who is mortified by hospitals, needles and everything inbetween, so I plan on surprise visiting him but have no idea where he lives, works or roams. But!
I got his friend’s email address from the dive centre’s files, contacted him and we set the whole thing up. Big happiness on everyone’s part. And neither his friend nor he even thought of suing me for the infringement. The rest is history. Romance is alive and kicking!
You’re lucky you didn’t get sued. Very lucky…
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That is just really, really sad and pathetic. Now why can’t a nice cop come stalking me? ;-). Seriously though. Someone needs to slap her a couple of times…
I think that is the first time anyone has ever requested that someone stalk them.
Slap her over and over and over! An extra slap for me. 🙂 geez! There are always women( those types) looking to be offended over something …seriously. she so could of handled it with class, humor and with little kind “no thank you But I am flattered .”
I guess she should learn not to speed. If she follows the rules of the road, none of this ever happens.
I like it
What an utterly horrible woman. I mean, even if she would not want to see that guy again, even if she feels annoyed by this touching loveletter – couldn’t she just either do nothing or write him in a polite way that she doesn’t want further contact?
Like “Dear Mr Collins, I’m sorry but I just don’t share your feelings. Also, I learned my lesson and will not drive too fast in future, so there is little probability for us to meet again. Never mind, there are more nice women around here, and I’m pretty sure you’ll meet one who wants to be met by you more than I do.”
Instead, she went hysterical – and greedy. “This guy made me pay a fee, and no matter how justified that was, now I will make him pay as well, and more.” Sounds like childish revenge.
I’m telling you, though, her opinion will totally change if he reads what I wrote in the courtroom.
i wish to read the 2nd part of this story.
Poor Officer Collins. She shouldn’t have sued. She could have made it clear from contacting him that it was inappropriate, but that she appreciated the romantic gesture. If he’s not a total creep, he would have left it alone after that. Trouble is, this day and age, you don’t know who’s a total creep and who’s not, and with the number of ways an officer can take advantage of his position, it can be a little scary.
Still. It was intended as romantic. And now it’s just humiliating for the poor guy. Who will probably get in trouble at work.
I have to admit, there have been many moments in my life that SHOULD have been what my girlfriend and I call “movie moments,” and in fact actually totally sucked ass.
I think it’s because there was no soundtrack.
Soundtracks really would help. I was hoping everyone heard an orchestra playing a large, swelling melody over Collins’ courtroom monologue.
This is why Rom/Com should stay out of reality ’cause reality sucks for weirdo cops who think they pull off such a stunt with out a producer, a writer and a director. This is what happens to real life auteurs of romance. Collins, directed, produced, scripted and starred in his farce and now look where he is.
It probably would have been a safer bet for him to channel that creativity into a screenplay. You throw Katherine Heigl in this story, every woman in the world wants to go see it.
All things in life would be improved by a soundtrack! 😉
How sad. I thought it was a sweet gesture, but I guess I am an ole timer at heart. I hope he takes your post with him to court and cites it word for word. Crazy story.
Thanks. He really should if he knows what’s good for him.
… like a pillowcase full of soda cans… (snork)
… but I can’t chime in with those that condemn this woman. It’s a scary world out there and there’s a reason why there are strict rules for people in positions of authority. They need to protect us from stalkers… I don’t know, maybe it’s a gray area here… but I’m not so sure. People always think they’d be flattered to get that kind of attention, but sometimes it’s not as “sweet” as it appears on paper or in movies.
I would tend to lean towards your point of view, honestly. If a person I had met only one time, that time being during a traffic citation, hunted me down and left a note on my car, I would find it a bit creepy.
Would I sue? Probably not, but I would have a pretty bad case of the heebie jeebies.
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Ahh yes, romance. You know who killed it? Technology. I feel bad for the young wooers of today who no longer can make those special Mixed Tapes we used to. *sigh*
As a young person – I like to think that romance is alive but just hard to find. My last partner and I started going out after a moonlit walk and a little midnight picnic I organised. Candles, rose petals etc. It’s true it’s hard to come by but dead it is not!
Ah, but now you can make special playlists. As long as you include Bob Dylan’s “Girl from the North Country,” any medium for music can be romantic.
Miss Paredes is such a sweet, sweet woman. I’m surprised that she didn’t also file to have the original ticket vacated based on the theory that he only pulled her over to get her “particulars”.
Officer Collins, now appearing as 2nd assistant fry cook at some truck stop, surprises me in his lack of knowledge in proper police procedure. At the original roadside stop he should have planted a small amount of cannabis in her car, giving him the right to frisk her — that’s a lot farther around the old infield than he stood to go with the old cinematic Love Letter Under the Windshield Wiper Ploy. Now the only way for him to avoid the lawsuit is for him to have a friend to plant a Schedule I drug on her and have her put away for a long time… her lawyers’ bills will deplete her savings and the resulting poverty will prevent her from retaining a lawyer for the civil suit. But with Officer Collins’ luck, Miss Paredes would probably fall in love with his friend the heroin-planter.