The 12 Days of Christmas: A Gift-Givers Guide to the Perfect Present

It seems like just yesterday we were devouring turkey and pumpkin pie. In fact, some of you may have just woken up from your Thanksgiving Day coma. I’m sure you’re dizzy and disoriented and probably smell pretty bad. A 25 day nap will do that to you.

While you’re trying to get adjusted to the world again, I have another piece of troublesome news to hit you with: It’s only 13 days to Christmas.

Around this time of the year, you hear people say things about “the reason for the season.” It’s everywhere. You’ll probably receive Christmas cards with this printed in it and a nice picture of some relatives in obnoxious red sweaters. While Charlie Brown’s friend Linus taught us about the true meaning of Christmas all those years ago, presents are probably a close second to most people.

Since you have been napping since Thanksgiving, though, you have neglected your Santa-like duties. Now, you’re down to the wire.

What should you get people? Do your friends or relatives really need golf bag that doubles as a mini fridge and fax machine? How many bad ties can you give a person before they come after you? Gift giving is the hardest part of the holidays.

That’s why I intend to go traditional this year. While everyone is out looking for high tech gadgets, I will bypass the iPads and those HDTV’s for something timeless.

All of my gifts will come straight from “The 12 Days of Christmas.”

When it comes to timeless gifts, you know this song has all of the ideas you need. It has annoyed countless generations of people and won’t be going away anytime soon. That means that my gifts will be relevant forever.

For those that are upset that they didn’t think of this, it’s okay. I’m willing to share my idea with you. We have less than two weeks until Christmas, though. That means it’s time to get cracking. I have provided the following list to help you find the ideal gift for those you are shopping for:

1.       A Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Pros: Free Pears! Naming the bird after any member of the Partridge family will always get a big laugh.

Cons: Birds poop. A lot. If the bird is in a tree, you can’t even line its cage with newspaper, so your friend’s apartment will probably be pretty gross.

For those looking for an easier gift off of the list, this is the gift for you. One partridge, one pear tree. Simple enough.

Yes, the poop thing is a pretty big negative, but all of the money your friend will save on pears will definitely make it worth it. Plus, the recipient’s friends will laugh hysterically when your friend says, “No! Stop pooping on my floor, Danny Partridge!” Laughter is the best medicine, so you basically just gifted those people will extra life.

2.       Two Turtle Doves

Pros: Small birds

Cons: Doves can carry diseases

Doves are very small, so they can be placed just about anywhere. Space in the medicine cabinet? Put them there. Under the couch? Why not? In the oven? Well, that’s risky, but they aren’t my birds. It’s really up to the recipient.

Of course, you might catch a disease. Dying is not a great Christmas tradition, but that is a pretty big risk with all birds. The fact that this is the cheapest gift on the list ($125.00 for two doves) may outweigh the death risks, though.

3.       Three French Hens

Pros: Hens lay eggs. Eggs make very good omelets. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Cons: Since they are French, odds are these hens will be on the snooty side.

 I spend a lot of money in a year on eggs. A lot. I’m not great at math, but I would estimate roughly $65,000. Gifting your friend with hens will give them eggs all year round.

Since the particular hens that are called for here happen to be French, though, there is a chance that you may be giving your friend the gift of snobbery. “Quelle est cette graine vous avez nous a donné?”(“What is this seed you have given us?”) they might ask before they turn their beaks up at their food and go enjoy a cigarette and some red wine. French Hens can be very snooty. Plus, they don’t bathe near as much as American hens.

4.       Four Colly Birds

Pros: Not endangered, so the price will be lower than some.

Cons: Very territorial on their breeding grounds. That means if they start breeding, you may find that you are no longer allowed in your kitchen. They could also peck a person to death like in “The Birds.”

Colly birds, or blackbirds as we call them nowadays, are very cheap. Very, very cheap. In fact, just go outside and grab a few birds. If they aren’t black, get some bird dye (that is a thing, right?) and make them black. No one will be the wiser.

They are very dangerous, though. If you saw Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” you witnessed a bunch of birds kill people. Blackbirds seem very capable of this. This makes this the best gift for relatives you don’t really like.

5.       Five Golden Rings

Pros: The only thing on this list that isn’t alive.

Cons: Gold is expensive. If a person wears five gold rings, they tend to look a bit gaudy.

For those who you are shopping that do not want living things, this is the gift to get. If you are shopping for a significant other, odds are you will be looked upon much more favorably if you get them gold rings instead of nasty, disease-ridden birds.

One major issue comes with five rings, though. Is it a matching set? Do they wear them all at one time? If they do, they might look like a pimp and being a pimp is generally frowned upon in today’s society.

Plus, it costs a lot of money to get gold. The loophole in this gift is the word “golden.” That means that as long as the rings are gold in color, you can count it. Grab some quarters and head to the nearest quarter machine. Rings are always a great gift, plus everyone will be impressed with how frugal you were.*

6.       Six Geese-a-laying

Pros: Free goose eggs.

Cons: Too many free goose eggs. Causes the recipient of this gift to spend countless hours trying to find goose egg recipes.

I have never eaten a goose egg. I assume that this is what you would do with six geese-a-laying. Since they are constantly laying, you would constantly have eggs.

A goose lays an egg every 1.5 days, which means through a week you would end up with nine eggs. Over the course of the year, that’s 468 goose eggs. If they’re delicious, you could use them. They might, however, taste terrible. Like I said, I’ve never had a goose egg.

If the person you are shopping for wants to have their own goose farm, this is the way to go. Within a year, their farmland will be filled with geese. Acres and acres of geese.

7.       Sevens Swans-a-swimming

Pros: Very peaceful.

Cons: Must have a pond or very large bathtub for seven swimming swans. Will cost you roughly $6,300.00 to purchase seven swans. Swan food is not easy to come by.

Nothing is more relaxing than watching swans swimming. Look up a video online right now. It’s so peaceful….that…I….ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I’m sorry. I seemed to relax too much there. This is where the list of gifts starts to get very impractical. Where do you keep seven swans? Well, in a pond I guess. What if you don’t have a pond? Bathtubs, sinks, even a puddle will work, I guess. Once you’ve spent the $6,300 to get seven swans, the recipient is on their own for the pond. You definitely can’t afford it.

8.       Eight Maids-a-milking

Pros: Free milk

Cons: You know how they say that women who are close together will eventually have their cycles sink together. Major con.

Much like the hens, eight maids-a-milking are meant to save you trips to the grocery store. That’s the only pro, though.

There is no way anyone has a place to keep eight women AND their cows that they are constantly milking. Plus, these women are bound to sync their cycles. There’s no telling what will happen to your friend if he asks for milk at the wrong time. Chances are, though, you won’t have to worry about buying that person a gift next year. They most likely won’t accept it.

9.       Nine Ladies Dancing

Pros: Host your own ballets.

Cons: Does not specify type of dance. Could be ballet, could be freak dancing on you when all you want to do is brush your teeth.

 Imagine coming home and kicking back with a nice relaxing ballet from your own private dancers. That is what you can give your friend with nine ladies dancing.

Unfortunately, though, if you hire a “dancer,” there are several different kinds. It could be very awkward if one of the nine ends up being a dancer of the exotic variety, particularly if the whole family is there for Christmas. Everyone knows that Grandma does not like strippers.

10.   Ten Lords-a-leaping

Pros: Ummmmmm…..

Cons: Everything about ten guys jumping around your house tends to be a con.

I don’t know why anyone would want this. All day long, there would be ten guys just jumping around your house. Their bound to break things. Plus, how annoying would it be having to dodge them every time you needed to walk to the bathroom. Do everyone a favor and skip this one.

11.   Eleven Pipers Piping

Pros: Sweet bagpipe jam sessions. You can save all that money you’ve been spending on traditional Irish folk CDs.

Cons: It’s hard to hear TV over bagpipes. People will always assume you are part of an Irish funeral.

Have you ever wondered what “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” would sound like on the bagpipes? Well, now you can find out.

The downside is pretty obvious here, though. It doesn’t matter what song a bagpipe plays. They all sound depressing and sad. If your friend was to invite a girl over, she would walk in and think she was invited to a wake, not a date. On the plus side, bagpipes are the quickest way to get rid of door to door salesmen.

12.   Twelve Drummers Drumming

Pros: Nothing helps you make an entrance like your own drumline.

Cons: Nothing keeps you from sneaking anywhere like your own drumline.

You always hear about people renting expensive cars for their high school reunion so that they can make an entrance. Well, give your friend one better. If your friend has a drumline with him, he is sure to make a huge splash at any reunion, family event, work party, or even the grocery store. It’s very beneficial.

Unfortunately, these drummers will continue to play all the time. If you try to sneak out of a family event, the snare drums are going to make sure everyone knows it is happening. Plus, the maintenance costs on marching drums are ridiculous. Your friend will have to pay quite a bit in upkeep for his drummers.

With this list, you are sure to find something for everyone you know. Sure, they may not want it, but it’s definitely a better gift then a sweater that’s three sizes too big.

Where ever you buy these things, though, make sure they have gift wrapping. Shoving six geese in a box is definitely not something I’d recommend trying at home.

That’s definitely a job for professionals.

*This is terrible advice. If you listen to this, you are going to get smacked in the face.

5 thoughts on “The 12 Days of Christmas: A Gift-Givers Guide to the Perfect Present

  1. Please tell me, what is the DEAL with birds? I wonder if that’s where the phrase “That’s for the birds” comes from…

    Apparently, all they did back in the old days was play music, dance, take care of a farm and enjoy birds? Oh wait, and the royalty had to throw in their rings.


  2. Pingback: The Twelve Days of Christmas | MyDSNY Blog

  3. Huh, interesting to say the least.
    Just wanted to point out a minor flaw. Six geese that each lay an egg every 1.5 days will NOT get you (or the bequested friend) 9 eggs per week but 28! Which amounts to a whopping 1456 eggs per annum!
    I know, you said elsewhere that your maths skills are sub-stellar, so you are forgiven. Thanks for the laugh. I am a follower now.


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