I’m Sorry, Please Don’t Sue Me

I think it’s time for me to go into hiding. Apparently, my kind has been made enemy number one.

For those who have not heard, a blogger by the name of Crystal Cox was ordered by an Oregon (Oregonian?) court to pay $2.5 million in a defamation suit. Cox is an investigative blogger who uncovers the evils of the world and lets people know all about them on the internet. She also is, judging from her blog, a real estate agent and a nutritional supplement distributor. That, right there, is what we in the business call a triple threat.

At the end of the case, District Court judge Marco Hernandez said the following:

“[While Crystal Cox] is a self-proclaimed “investigative blogger” and defines herself as “media,” the record fails to show that she is affiliated with any newspaper, magazine, periodical, book, pamphlet, news service, wire service, news or feature syndicate, broadcast station or network, or cable television system. Thus, she is not entitled to the protections of the law.”

Whoa. Hold the phone there, Hernandez. I am also not affiliated with any newspaper, magazine, periodical, book, pamphlet, news service, wire service, news or feature syndicate, broadcast station, network, or cable television system. You would think that with a list that long I would fit into one of those categories, but no. Not a one. You know what that means.

I could also be sued.

Suddenly, I am flooded with memories of people I have said negative things to. Sure, none of them would really qualify as defamation, per se, but I don’t make $2.5 million in, well, in my entire lifetime. In fact, if I got sued for $250, I would be trying to figure out how I’m going to make that work.

So, in the interest of me not being sued, a very important interest indeed, I would like to attempt to make amends with the people I have said bad things about.

Dear Kim Kardashian and sisters,

In the past I have poked fun at you. I feel overwhelmingly sorry about this and would like to offer up my humblest apology. You all seem like lovely girls. Kim, I’m sure that the recent divorce from Kris Humphries was not your fault at all. Also, I assume that all three of you smell very nice.

Love,

Nathan

 

Dear Dancing with the Stars,

I have implied you are the worst show on TV in the past, and for that, I apologize. You definitely are not. “Whitney” is the worst show on TV.

Love,

Nathan

 

Dear “Whitney” creator Whitney Cummings,

You might have read right above this letter that I think you have the worst show on TV. That quote was taken out of context. What I meant to say was, “’Whitney’ is the worst show on TV… to miss! Last time I watched it, I threw up from laughing so much. It ruined my new cardigan sweater, but it was worth because I will never forget the thirty minutes of jubilation your show brought to my life. Also, I assume you smell very good.

Love,

Nathan

 

Dear Taco Bell,

I have implied in the past that you give people diarrhea. While this is still very much true, I have neglected to say that it is the most pleasant diarrhea a person can have. Plus, your chalupas are delicioso!

Love,

Nathan

 

Dear Harold Camping,

Remember when you predicted doomsday this last year, and then I proceeded to make fun of you, then you were wrong, so you predicted it again, but then you were wrong again? Um….sorry for saying you were wrong? Yeah, we’ll go with that one. Also, I assume you smell good, but in an old grandpa kind of way.

Love,

Nathan

I think that should cut it for now. I also want to apologize to every random person I have ever written about, to my wife for writing about her, to any and all inanimate objects I have mentioned negatively, and to you for reading this.

You can’t be too careful these days.

Related articles

• Crystal Cox Case Scares Blogosphere: Blogger Fined $2.5, Judge Rules Press Protections Don’t Apply (inquisitr.com)
• Bloggers As Journalists of the Day (thedailywh.at)
• BLOGGERS BEWARE!!! – Crystal Cox, Oregon Blogger, Isn’t a Journalist, Concludes U.S. Court – Imposes $2.5 Million Judgement on Her… Whose Next? (richardemanuel.wordpress.com)
• In $2.5 Million Judgment, Court Finds Blogger Is Not a Journalist (mediadecoder.blogs.nytimes.com)
• Blogger not eligible for media shield law, hit with $2.5M judgment (arstechnica.com)
• ‘Blogger not a journalist’ says Oregon court (go.theregister.com)
• Blogger in Oregon Loses Defamation Case, Judge Weighs in on Who is “Really” a Journalist (reason.com)
• Judge Hits Blogger With $2.5 Million Charge for Not Being a Journalist (mashable.com)
• Oregon judge rules bloggers aren’t journalists (news.cnet.com)