I’m Sorry, Please Don’t Sue Me

I think it’s time for me to go into hiding. Apparently, my kind has been made enemy number one.

For those who have not heard, a blogger by the name of Crystal Cox was ordered by an Oregon (Oregonian?) court to pay $2.5 million in a defamation suit. Cox is an investigative blogger who uncovers the evils of the world and lets people know all about them on the internet. She also is, judging from her blog, a real estate agent and a nutritional supplement distributor. That, right there, is what we in the business call a triple threat.

At the end of the case, District Court judge Marco Hernandez said the following:

“[While Crystal Cox] is a self-proclaimed “investigative blogger” and defines herself as “media,” the record fails to show that she is affiliated with any newspaper, magazine, periodical, book, pamphlet, news service, wire service, news or feature syndicate, broadcast station or network, or cable television system. Thus, she is not entitled to the protections of the law.”

Whoa. Hold the phone there, Hernandez. I am also not affiliated with any newspaper, magazine, periodical, book, pamphlet, news service, wire service, news or feature syndicate, broadcast station, network, or cable television system. You would think that with a list that long I would fit into one of those categories, but no. Not a one. You know what that means.

I could also be sued.

Suddenly, I am flooded with memories of people I have said negative things to. Sure, none of them would really qualify as defamation, per se, but I don’t make $2.5 million in, well, in my entire lifetime. In fact, if I got sued for $250, I would be trying to figure out how I’m going to make that work.

So, in the interest of me not being sued, a very important interest indeed, I would like to attempt to make amends with the people I have said bad things about.

Dear Kim Kardashian and sisters,

In the past I have poked fun at you. I feel overwhelmingly sorry about this and would like to offer up my humblest apology. You all seem like lovely girls. Kim, I’m sure that the recent divorce from Kris Humphries was not your fault at all. Also, I assume that all three of you smell very nice.




Dear Dancing with the Stars,

I have implied you are the worst show on TV in the past, and for that, I apologize. You definitely are not. “Whitney” is the worst show on TV.




Dear “Whitney” creator Whitney Cummings,

You might have read right above this letter that I think you have the worst show on TV. That quote was taken out of context. What I meant to say was, “’Whitney’ is the worst show on TV… to miss! Last time I watched it, I threw up from laughing so much. It ruined my new cardigan sweater, but it was worth because I will never forget the thirty minutes of jubilation your show brought to my life. Also, I assume you smell very good.




Dear Taco Bell,

I have implied in the past that you give people diarrhea. While this is still very much true, I have neglected to say that it is the most pleasant diarrhea a person can have. Plus, your chalupas are delicioso!




Dear Harold Camping,

Remember when you predicted doomsday this last year, and then I proceeded to make fun of you, then you were wrong, so you predicted it again, but then you were wrong again? Um….sorry for saying you were wrong? Yeah, we’ll go with that one. Also, I assume you smell good, but in an old grandpa kind of way.



I think that should cut it for now. I also want to apologize to every random person I have ever written about, to my wife for writing about her, to any and all inanimate objects I have mentioned negatively, and to you for reading this.

You can’t be too careful these days.


22 thoughts on “I’m Sorry, Please Don’t Sue Me

  1. What kind of reasoning is that?? That doesn’t sound right at all.

    Or was this because she actually had done no ‘research/investigation’ and was just slandering online while stating that these were research facts?

    Don’t mess with Dancing with the stars (I agree though, its beyond shite)


  2. Ummmm… You forgot Summer, you bashed Summer really bad back in July or August… Oh, Wait…. So did I!!! Umm, nevermind.. I gotta go edit some blogs! 🙂 LOL

    Dont leave! You make me laugh out Loud! For reals! 🙂


  3. Dear Nathan,
    if ever you happen to write negatively about me, I promise you I will only publish a book with you as an utmost horrible “hero” in it and make a lot of money with it.
    I will not, of course, go to court, no matter what you say about me. Well, except perhaps if you tell other people that I eat little children, as I gave up that habit long ago.


  4. But you can’t apologize..think of what would happen if you started..and then everyone else who does what you do does so too!….that would just end the world of satire…we can’t have that…can we?

    You might want to think of apologizing to the satire too then…..


  5. That is so scary. I have also made fun of/potentially humiliated more people/organizations than I can remember and lately I have started posting things after I took my medication, and I don’t even remember those. Their goes my “political cartoon post…that one compared Preisdent Obama to Fog Horn Leghorn…now I have to apologize to the foghorn people…ahhh!


  6. Can they still sue us if whatever we said about them is true…I’m really scared about comparing all the presidential candidates to cartoons, but it is all true. That’s got to be ok right?


  7. Glad you got those apologies out of the way! Maybe I should apologize to some of the “Real Housewives”…they might sue me. Especially Theresa….I heard she was needing some cash. Then again, it’s kinda like Mama said, “You can’t get blood from a turnip!” 🙂


  8. Hey! You are looking at this ALL WRONG…it’s time to start sueing some people. Has everyone been kind and sweet to you? that’s how you get the $$ to pay anyone who has been offended by you.

    Um…by the way, have I told you how much I think your posts ROCK? You probably smell good too…use Old spice soap?


    P.S. Any of my negative posts were all written by annoymous guest bloggers. In fact, all of my posts have been (and will be) written by annoymous guest bloggers. From this point forward, that will be in small print on my page. I apologize for any offensive material they may/may not have written.


  9. Pingback: Dear Nathan « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

This Would Be A Really Good Time To Reply...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s