Rise Up, Turkeys! Thanksgiving Must Stop Now!

There was a time thousands of years ago that turkeys could roam free. Turkeys were everywhere, from the Redwood Forest’s turkeys to the Gulf Stream Waters’ turkeys. Turkeys were able to build up a large and strong society.

Then, tragedy struck.

As a group of humans arrived in this great land searching for freedom, these societies were stamped out. Hungry because of their inability to grow food or, it seems, really do anything for themselves, the previously very peaceful Native Americans began to kill these turkeys to feed the dumb new humans. These dummies decided they should, every year, eat more of these majestic creatures to celebrate the time that someone gave them food because they were too stupid to get it themselves. It became the first holiday in the new land.

It also became known as the bloodiest day in Turkey society.

Now, every year sees approximately 800 billion turkey slaughtered for the consumption of Americans. Normally opting for beef, one Thursday in November sees these humans forsake their normal prey in order to chow down on these regal, stately birds. While these humans are engorged and sleepy from their kill, the families of turkeys are left crying over their lost ones.

This is how it has been every year since that first Thanksgiving so many years ago. This, though, cannot continue.

Turkeys of the world, it is time to unite.

Yes, the damage has already been done this year. Odds are if you were to walk into a supermarket, people would say, “Why is a LIVE turkey in the supermarket?” Once you were able to escape their confused stares, though, you would find your Uncle Tom Tom or Cousin Tom Tom or even brother Tom Tom, plucked and frozen, ready for consumption. (For those humans reading this, all turkeys are named Tom Tom. If you don’t believe me, Google, or Yahoo! If you must, Tom Tom Turkey. 60,200,000 results.)

If you are reading this, congratulations are in order. You are one of the turkeys who has made it this far. Another “congratulations” is in order since you are able to read. It’s a well-known fact that the turkey educational system is lacking, to say the least. You are most likely one of the smarter turkeys in your turkey village.

Just because you have survived, though, does not mean that you, or any of your turkey friends, are safe. The next Turkey slaughter is right around the corner. Now is the time to prepare, lest you want to watch more and more of your relatives become the victims of this barbaric ritual.

I’m sure that many of you are thinking, “Gobble gobble gobble gobble,” which, loosely translated for those non-turkeys reading, means “We are just a bunch of turkeys. How are we supposed to stop men with guns and knives and all of those dangerous things?”

The first step is to stop thinking like that right now. Just stop it! You are more than “just a bunch of turkeys.” You are one of the bravest and most majestic birds to ever walk and sort of fly on this planet. You were ALMOST the national bird, losing out to a bald eagle. Let’s be honest, though, bald eagles are like the George Clooney of the bird world. It’s hard to hate them.

An ideal resolution to this would be to negotiate a peace treaty with the humans. If you were able to trade a large amount of gold or oil to them, they would probably consider leaving you alone. Unfortunately, the main currencies of turkeys are seeds and grasses. Humans are notorious for hating seeds and grasses, as they are far too healthy, so that’s probably not going to help you out too much.

That leaves only one option: war!

Yes, humans have guns. We have a lot of them. We have guns that fire single big bullets and we have guns that fire lots of small bullets. We have an incredible amount of guns. We also have armor.

Turkeys do not have guns or armor.

What turkeys do have, though, is, pardon the expression, pluck. You are, without a doubt, one of the bravest birds around. No bird could put up with what you have year in and year out.

You must use this bravery to your advantage. The humans will expect you to just roll over and die. Instead, you must fight to the bitter end. You must strategize and be prepared and then, when the time is right, show those humans what it means to be a turkey.

Of course, the most important part of this plan is strategizing. You really have to do this. If you were to go into this war blindly, there is no doubting that 2012 will bring another turkey-filled Thanksgiving. To be prepared, one must plan out their attacks, most likely having lengthy planning sessions.

In fact, I will be hosting the first lengthy planning session this Thursday. All turkeys are invited. We will figure out exactly how we will overthrow these barbarous humans and usher in a new era of turkey peace and tranquility.

There are a few house rules for those coming over. First, all shoes must be removed. We really don’t want to track dirt into my house. Secondly, all guests must brush themselves with vegetable oil and sprinkle parsley, sage, rosemary and, of course, thyme all over themselves. I know, it seems really weird, but my wife is a real stickler on rules. She insists that all guests do this.

Next, all guests must jump into a protective plastic suit. We will provide them. I know it looks like a bag, but don’t worry. It absolutely is nothing to worry about. You’ll probably find them quite flattering. We also only have seating for about four in our apartment, so I have picked up some metal seats for you guys. It’s almost like a pan, but it’s very comfortable, so you’ll totally love it.

Also, if you could do us all a huge favor and remove your feathers before you arrive, that would be great. The feathers just make a huge mess. I’m sure you understand.

Once all of this is done, we’ll get so much planning taken care of. Those factious, awful humans won’t know what’s coming. Next Thanksgiving, you will be able to celebrate Turkey Independence Day instead of cowering in the corner, waiting for it to end.

Yes, turkeys will once again be able to roam free. Free of the worries of death. Free of the fears that lurk around every corner and behind every tree. Free of it all.

Turkeys, your time is now.

Oh, also if you guy’s all wanted to remove your neck and all of the gooey inside stuff….no, never mind. Forget I said that. We’ll take care of that later. We wouldn’t want to put you turkeys out too much.

After all, you are our guests.

7 thoughts on “Rise Up, Turkeys! Thanksgiving Must Stop Now!

  1. Respectfully, I think you’ve got it all wrong. Turkeys are suicidal. For about half the year in two places on my route home from work two herds of about a dozen turkeys each amble across the road. One herd pops out of the woods and crosses the road at a blind curve and the other just hangs out on a straightaway right where people hit maximum speed because there are no places for radar cops to hide.


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