Radio Station Gives Away Babies, Also Gives Me Nightmares

I never win anything.

It’s just the way my life works. I can only remember winning a handful of prizes in my lifetime, the last one being an electronic toothbrush. In the tradition of my luck, though, that toothbrush was almost immediately possessed by a demon. Some people say it broke, but I know otherwise.

When there is a contest for an iPad, I lose. When there is some sort of drawing for a new car, I always have the pleasure of driving my 1992 Ford Explorer home. Even if a friend is trying to give away his last French fry I somehow manage to lose.

This isn’t always a bad thing, though. There are some prizes that would be bad to get. What if you received a prize that came with a great deal of taxes attached to it? That wouldn’t be too fun.

Worse, what if you won a baby?

In Ottawa (Canada, not Kansas), a local radio station called HOT 89.9 (“Your home for all the mediocre pop music you can handle”) had a contest on their “Morning Hot Tub” program. Why they would call their morning show “The Hot Tub” is beyond me. There are many radio names that would be preferred over “The Hot Tub.” First of all, it seems to promote listening to the show while immersed in water. This is a good way to get yourself electrocuted. Secondly, it is just a crappy name. I’m sure someone originally suggested it because it was a fun use of the station name, but “The Hot Tub” just sounds a bit too sleazy for a morning radio program. Maybe if the show was about the lifestyle of swingers…

I seem to have digressed. To summarize, Ottawa, Canada, radio show in a hot tub. This show held a contest where they gave away, and I’m not making this up, sessions of in vitro fertilization. Five lucky couples were given the chance to grow a baby inside of a womb which they, just nine short months later, get to keep FOREVER.

Of course now Canadians are upset. They said that this was taking advantage of the couple’s inability to have a child of their own so that they could score some ratings points. While this may be true, I feel like people are missing the real problem here.

Babies are terrible prizes.

Imagine getting a gift basket. You look inside and there is a decorative soap, some sort of fancy cheese, a fruit you’ve never heard of. It all sounds very nice, right?

Now take all of that nice, pleasant stuff out and put a baby, most likely with a poopy diaper, inside. That is the kind of stuff I have nightmares about.

As if the fact that the end result is a baby wasn’t bad enough, the station has also gifted nine months of hormonal, crazy lady for their husbands. The DJ might as well have said, “Five lucky husbands get to listen to their wives cry about everything including, but not limited to, songs, movies, tv shows, commercials,  food, the weather, their personal appearance, the lack of good pizza places within walking distance, and the itchiness of their wool sweaters.”

After this is over, there are years of crying and cleaning up poop ahead of these “winners.” This drifts into the relatively pleasant grade school years, a calm before the storm of teenage years arrives, bringing acne, more crying, screaming, yelling, more screaming, and rebellion such as listening to crappy music that their parents “won’t get” because they’re “too old.” Then these suckers get to pay for college.

I would prefer to win a swift punch in the stomach.

I have never had any issue with Canada until now. Well, that’s not true. I really don’t like Celine Dion.

Nevertheless, Canada has lost all of its appeal with this single act. I have no interest in living a country that is handing out babies left and right. I would even be nervous to visit. It would be very hard to explain that at customs:

“Do you have anything to declare?”

“Yes. I received a baby.”

“A baby?”

“Yeah. They were just giving them away outside the Wal-Mart in Quebec.”

“Oh. Well good for you. Would you mind stepping into this room? We have a few questions to ask you.”

There is only one way Canada can make this up to me. Every person across the border “wins” an iPad. I could finally be a winner. A winner of a cool, albeit incredibly unnecessary piece of technology. A winner of a prize that doesn’t throw up on itself.

Winning a vomit free prize. It’s just how I always dreamed it would be.


4 thoughts on “Radio Station Gives Away Babies, Also Gives Me Nightmares

  1. Five years ago, I would have thought that was a terrible thing to give away.

    Now, after five years of trying to get pregnant and having no money to pay a fertility doctor, I would probably be the one calling over and over to win.

    What a shame they are playing to desperate people.

    I did once win five pounds of Limburger cheese after being the ninth caller. It was a surprise prize. At least you can get rid of a poopy diaper easier than cheese that smells like a diaper.


  2. As a Canadian, let me explain something, if you will. The lotteries here are tax free… that’s right, no income taxes are due on any lottery and all lotteries must be registered with the appropriate provincial gaming ministry. In the US, I am inclined to believe, when you win the PowerBall for a quarter billion dollars, you’ll only have $200,000,000 left, if you have a sharp accountant. So you see that here lottories and other giveaways are no-strings-attached situations. I guess the only way around this for the good folks at Hot 89.9 was to give away a prize that has strings attached in the form of stinking up your house, breaking your neighbours’ windows, dinging your car, and the only way out is to eventually pay thousands of dollars to marry them off.


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