Presidential Debates: It’s Like the Rich White Guy Olympics

Every four years, a group of individuals dust off their nicest suits, grab their best tie (red or blue, preferably) and begin spouting off gibberish much to the delight of the entire country. They visit state fairs and eat a great amount of fried foods. They talk about the “Spirit of America,” which, I am assuming, is the ghost of Ben Franklin.

After the state fair visits, they head to the nearest auditorium full of people. There, these people proceed to talk into microphones and gesture emphatically with their hands.

There are very few things that are entertaining enough to pull people away from the latest episode of “Real Housewives of America’s Next Top Jersey Shore Survivor Idol.” This, though, is one of those very few events.

The debates have begun.

For those unfamiliar with American politics, every four years a group of people calling themselves politicians gather onto a stage. Once on that stage, they begin to suggest ways to “solve” the country’s “problems.” While many of these solutions could make these problems significantly worse, these politicians are operating on the “it’s the thought that counts” type of thinking.

After one person suggests a solution (For example, lowering taxes), the other people on stage will proceed to call his plan dumb (“You don’t know how to cut taxes, you big stupid face”), will suggest their own, very similar plan (“What we should do is lower taxes”), then declare what they would do for the American people if they were elected president (“I would lower taxes….and give everyone a new puppy!”).

After this, the person who originally spoke will restate his opinion and call the other person’s opinion “wrong, just dead wrong.” Politicians are always using phrases like this in debates. It may seem to be unrefined, but one of the major parts of the presidential election is convincing America they would like to go on a camping trip with you. If you dumb down your speaking, that seems to help a lot.

After this, the argument continues until the group decides to settle a winner by holding an arm wrestling tournament.

Ha ha ha. Of course I’m just kidding. That would be idiotic. For an event like this, there must be a much better way to decide the winner.

That way would be via cable news pundits arguing over who argued better in the debate, a synonym for argument.

Since there is a Democratic President, this election’s debates consist of a group of Republican’s yelling at each other. It’s a virtual sea of diverse candidates made up of a bunch of rich white guys, a lady, and a black man who used to run a pizza chain. Also, there is Ron Paul. No one is sure if he is human or not, but for the sake of categorization we will throw him in with the rich white guys.

This group of people seems to be having their troubles. One guy had a ranch named after a slur that, while very popular coming from the mouth of Jay-Z, is not one of the most popular things for a rich white guy to say. One lady (the only one in the race) attended a church that believes the pope is the antichrist. There are also TWO Mormons. That really shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but for some reason it seems to be. It must be because of their special Mormon underpants.

There are a few rules they should follow if they hope to become president:

1. Rename your ranch.

If you own a ranch, make sure the name is not something that would get you beat up by any nationality. It doesn’t matter how creative you are with the name. If you can’t come up with one, just name it “The Ranch.” This isn’t the 1800’s. It really doesn’t matter what you call it just as long as it isn’t a racial slur.

2. Find something to set you apart.

For Herman Cain or Michele Bachman, this is simple. He is black, she is a woman. Boom. They are set apart. Ron Paul says things that are either crazy or pure genius. That is his thing. For the rich white guys, though, it is a little bit harder.

One way to set yourself apart that no one has tried is a stovepipe hat. When people ask you why you are wearing a stupid hat like that, just say “If it was good enough for Lincoln, then, by golly, it’s good enough for me.”

Also, you could rhyme all of your debate answers. When asked about our unemployment, you could say, “Every man, woman and child should have a job; why, it’s just as American as corn on the cob!” It doesn’t matter if it makes sense. Look at Dr. Seuss. That guy said the craziest stuff and everybody loves him.

3. Seriously, Rick Perry. Rename your ranch.

4. Play hard to get.

In the dating world, a person who wants to become romantically involved with another “plays hard to get.” That means that they act as confusing as possible, send out mixed signals, and cause the person they like to either actively pursue them or go completely insane.

This could work with the country. Next debate, someone should say this: “Yeah, our economy is a big issue, but I’m not sure I really care about it, you know? I’m kind of hungry, so I’m going to grab something to eat. It was really fun debating, though. We should do it again sometime.” The public will be so confused that this person is sure to jump 50 points in the next poll.

Note to all presidential candidates reading this: I am available as your campaign manager. It is a long race and you have a lot of debating left to do.

Trust me, you’ll need all the help you can get.


4 thoughts on “Presidential Debates: It’s Like the Rich White Guy Olympics

  1. American politics…the ultimate reality tv show. Including classic ingredients such as really bad hair, screaming matches and saying stupid stuff out loud.

    Fascinating and repulsive at the same time. How DO they do that?


  2. One of the best things ever to come out of a presidential debate was Regan’s line, “There you go again.” It such a great tool to shut down people when you have nothing intelligent to say. But my favourite American politician has to be Pat Paulsen who actually ran in several federal elections. Here’s a bit of his for those who are unfamiliar with him…


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