Goodie! A Brand New Shiny American Dream

There was time when the United States of America was flooded with people searching for the American Dream. They would sail for weeks to get here so that they could get a piece of the sweet action that we Americans had.

That was a different time, though. We had jobs and money back then. Now that our jobs have disappeared and the U.S. dollar is worth about as much as a Werther’s Original, America has a hard truth to face.

It’s time for a new American dream.

Yes, I guess the old dream is still valid. You can still dream of becoming a successful person who has more riches than your wildest imaginations could even conjure up, but it seems very unlikely. In fact, it seems about as realistic as that dream where you turn into a winged Joe Pesci and take to the air to save falling skydivers from an untimely death. By that, I mean there might be a 5% chance.

We Americans, though, are nothing if not resilient. When we were starting to feel a little cramped and crowded, who was it that “bought” more land from the Native Americans at a “very reasonable price?” We did. When Hitler was attempting to take over the entire world, who arrived in Europe fashionably late to rid the world of his evil, Arian ways? We did. When David Lee Roth left Van Halen, who was there with Sammy Hagar, and then, eleven years later, with Gary Cherone so that the rock would not stop? We were.

If we can do all of that surely we can find a new and improved American dream.

To do this, first we have to identify what America stands for. It used to stand for freedom from oppression, but, realistically, we do not have the market cornered on that anymore. We also were able to provide the huddled masses jobs, most likely in the field of huddling. This field was eliminated by Eli Whitney with the invention of the much more efficient huddling gin, though, so our job field is pretty much empty as well.

We do have a lot of food, though. All types of food. We have American Mexican food, American Chinese food, American Italian food. We can guarantee that no one will go hungry in America, at least if they have money.

There are also a lot of reality shows. Now, none of these shows are based in ACTUAL reality, but who wants to see actual reality anyway? It’s a lot more fun to watch drunken idiots on the “Jersey Shore,” people overcoming their heroin addiction on “Intervention,” or somebody butchering a Beatles’ song on “American Idol/America’s Got Talent/ The X-Factor/ The Singing Bee/ Don’t Forget the Lyrics/ Uncle Bubba’s Great Big Sing Along Hour.” We can probably get every immigrant on at least one reality show despite their level of talent or knowledge of the English language.

We also enjoy arguing with each other. We argue about politics. Sports radio exists solely so callers can argue with the host. Right now, I am really resisting my urge to start a fight with you, YOU STUPID, WORTHLESS PIECE OF DONKEY EXCREMENT! …. I’m sorry the urge got the best of me there for a second. The point is we like to argue.

With those three points, we have developed The American Dream 2.0 ©:


“There is the American Dream, the dream of a life which will be filled with all this country has to offer. Never again will a person be forced to go without nacho cheese, for they will have plenty. No longer must we toil in our own reality, unaware of those around us. We shall see the varying realities of this great land, be they drunken buffoons or aspiring songstresses, and we shall know that they are real. If a person should push us, we shall push them back. If a person tells us we are wrong, we will shout angrily in their faces until we grow hoarse or suffer an aneurysm. If the arguing continues, we shall repeatedly punch them in the face.

“After all, it is not a dream of a land full of opportunities that we want. It is a land full of these so called “detriments to society” that we desire. We, together, make up the fabric of this great land of ours. Without each and every one of us, we would not be the America we are today. We would be the America of a different day, and that might be a very crappy day full of gale-force winds and blizzards of fire. We do not have to worry about that, though. We are today’s America, the land that is bigger than opportunities. We will not be stopped no matter what. U-S-A! U-S-A!”


The next step is to post this on the Statue of Liberty which is, essentially, a bulletin board for immigrants. Once that is done, the word is out and people know what to expect from America.

So, there is no reason to be upset about our current situation. We just adapt and move on. We can accomplish anything and the American Dream shows that.

If we ever lose reality TV, though, we are screwed. That really seems to be the cornerstone of our society. We really can’t afford to buy a new cornerstone.

Those are really expensive.

14 thoughts on “Goodie! A Brand New Shiny American Dream

  1. I hope you guys get your dream back. We Canadians recently lost our dream, too, the dream being for the Canadian dollar to be on a par with the US dollar. Now that we’ve attained that, Americans don’t want to buy our stuff. You’d be surprised how 300,000,000 people cancelling maple syrup on their breakfast pancakes can screw up a nation’s economy!


  2. Reality TV is now the new American standard of education for children and new immigrants. I’m waiting to see how long it takes before schools start offering courses in such edifying subjects as “How to Maximize Your X Factor” and “Eat Your Way to the Biggest Loser.”


  3. Pingback: Where we started wasn’t where I was Born. « Walking In Sunshine

  4. A little depressing Nathan, and America’s Got Talent is a good show. I think we should add something about donuts to you dream. America has got to have the most donut shops, which, when you think about it, are ultimately the answer to all of life’s problems.


    • Actually America’s Got Talent isn’t too bad. I’m not even ashamed to say that. The only way donuts are getting in, though, is if we specify that they are NOT those donuts that are filled with whipped cream. I always get them, thinking they are jelly filled or the pudding filled typed, but then it is terrible whipped cream.


    • As a resident of Tennessee, I keep getting to hear about this. My idea is to take all of the people who want to secede and give them Alabama, then let them have their own country. No one would miss Alabama.


  5. “We are today’s America, the land that is bigger than opportunities.” I’m thinking of having this tattooed on my infant’s head.


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