All Hail King of the Words

When I was a kid, people would always ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Unlike most kids, I never wanted to be a firefighter or astronaut or ostrich-riding cowboy on the Serengeti desert, wielding only an ice cream-shooting gun for protection (Sometimes, kids are not realistic).

I never had a real answer.

Through the first 24 years of my life, I was lost. “What do I want to do with my life?” I would ask. The answer would inevitably be a professional Seinfeld-watcher and Triscuit-eater.

Today, though, I have found my calling. I know exactly why I was put here on this planet, besides the fact that the other planets don’t really provide the oxygen I need for breathing.

I was born to be a word judge.

Merriam-Webster has announced the addition of 150 words to their dictionary, officially marking them as “real words.” After looking through all of the sounds the human mouth can make, Merriam and/or Webster have decided that tweet, bromance, and fist bump belong in an actual dictionary.

This is after the Oxford English Dictionary added the word “buttload” to their book. No, I am not making that up. It is defined as a large amount, roughly the amount that would fit inside of a hollowed out butt (That second part of the definition may be a little made up).

Somewhere, there are meetings by people to decide whether a word is REALLY a word or just sort of a word. Behind closed doors, they have added words like “frenemy,” the acronym “tbh” meaning to be honest, and “platypus.” (You know it’s a ridiculous name.)

If these chuckleheads can add words to the dictionary, surely I can do it. In fact, I would do it even better. I would become the Simon Cowell of the English language, eager to ridicule the words that should, in my opinion, not exist.

“How about the word ‘jibberorarily?’” the dictionary people would ask me, hoping to finally have approval.

“I have never had a word hit my ear drum with such an unpleasant ring in my life,” I would reply. “How about I add the word ‘kasplow.’ It is a verb meaning, ‘to kill one’s self so they do not have to hear a dreadful word like jibberorarily ever again.’”

Wordsmiths would travel across great distances to find me in hopes of having my approval of the word they have recently invented. Suddenly, I would be in control of the English language. “Time” would put me on the cover of their magazine and have a revealing tell all interview where I let them know that “Time” is a stupid name for a magazine.

Of course, I know you must be required to have something on your résumé that means you really are an expert in new words. I do not have the necessary experience under my belt.

There is no time like the present, though, for me to give this career path a shot. That is why I have decided to quit my job and become a word-inventor full time. Once I have adequate experience here, I will be able to transition into my dream job. It shouldn’t be that hard. Look at the words I’ve already come up with:

Saladish- adjective, much like a salad.

Swiiiiiiioooooosh- noun, the sound wind makes through an open car window

Windshrack- noun, a crack in a car windshield

See? I’m so good at this. It’s only a matter of time before they promote me to word judge.

So get your new words to me now. If you don’t, I can’t guarantee that they will make it into the English language when I’m in charge. They might be edged out by “Grrrrrup,” a noun meaning an especially rumbling belch.

Man, I am gifted.

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• Merriam-Webster Dictionary Now Includes ‘Tweet’, ‘Social Media’, ‘Crowdsourcing’ And More (via TechCrunch) (toodamnez.wordpress.com)

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