Noah’s Ark 2.0: Now With More Robots

I’ve never been to Disney World.

When I say this, the usual response is something between a shout of “WHAT?!” and a gasp, usually coming out, “Whuuuuuuuuuauauauauau?!” Apparently this is the most important place in history to visit, and poor Nathan has never had the priviledge to ride spinning tea cups or look at a guy in a giant Mickey Mouse costume. That second one probably saved me from a lot of nightmares.

I never felt like I was missing out on anything. Now, I know for a fact I wasn’t. Who cares about “It’s a Small World” when there is something greater out there?

Who cares about anything Walt Disney dreamed up when there is Ark Encounter?

Yes, after years of waiting, a person has finally managed to build an entire amusement park around a replica of Noah’s ark. Finally, we can see what a really big boat would look like. Also, there will be animals involved.

Deep in the heart of Kentucky, a group of people are busy at work, constructing a full size replica of Noah’s ark made to the standards laid out in the Bible. The reason for this activity isn’t because they are afraid of another giant flood. It’s to get out a message. No, not the message that they have too much time and wood. A much more important message.

“The message here is, God’s word is true,” said Mike Zovath, project manager of the ark. “There’s a lot of doubt: ‘Could Noah have built a boat this big, could he have put all the animals on the boat?’ Those are questions people all over the country ask.”

Now that Zovath is answering these questions, there is only one question left: Seriously? They’re actually building an ark? Couldn’t they have build a smaller model to prove their point?

Of course, an ark would not be complete without animals. Zovath plans to fill the ark with a mixture of real, adorable, sweet animals and scary, metal, robotic animals, making this ark a mixture of a petting zoo and a terrifying robot attack zone. That is, after all, what the kids today want. Terrifying, metal animals.

As if a giant ark was not enough, Zovath’s group has planned an even more exciting part to the park: the Tower of Babel.

For those unfamiliar with the story of the Tower of Babel, it’s a timeless tale of a bunch of dummies building a tower to get to heaven. For a while, God just sat back and said, “Hey, you might not want to keep building that tower.”

Everyone else said, “Yeah, right! Look how tall our tower is, God! Bet you couldn’t make an awesome, tall tower like us! Hahahaha!”

God replied, “Um, right. It’s not like I made the whole Earth or anything…” Then, to teach them a lesson, he made all of the dummies speak different languages.

While a replica of this tower is not that exciting, this is: If THEY build a tower towards heaven, how high could they get before they reach the new language chaos zone? I hope they make it far enough just so those smug Rosetta Stone people won’t continue to think they’re so brilliant when it comes to foreign languages.

With these two attractions as their anchors, how could this amusement park fail?

So pack up your family, throw your kids in the back of your car. (Actually, just sit them down gently. Child throwing is usually an activity that is frowned on.) You will want to be one of the first people in line for the “Cain and Able Rock Toss.” If you hit Able with all three of your stones, you win your own copy of the Old Testament, autographed by a replica prophet.

You’re sure to have the best time a family can have staring at a huge boat.

6 thoughts on “Noah’s Ark 2.0: Now With More Robots

  1. “The Tower of Babel”… wouldn’t that be a great name for a language school? These guys are building this thing in Kentucky? If they relocated a few miles to the southwest they could have set up shop in ARKansas, a real natural. Is there any word on if they will be including onboard the feeder animals used to nourish the carnivorous members of the cargo?


  2. Pingback: The Age of Noah Has Arrived | The Life and Times of Nathan Badley...

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