Dear Nathan: The Greatest Advice Ever Given

In the 24 years I have been on this planet, I have learned one very important thing: I am a genius.

I’m not talking about Einstein-level of genius. I am talking about a much more superior level of genius, the likes of which have not been seen ever.

It would be easy to use my knowledge in an evil way. I could try to take over a large city with a group of henchmen. Odds are, though, that my plot would be spoiled by Insert-an-adjective-hereman, that city’s protector of all that is good. That would be frustrating to say the least.

Instead, I have elected to help the poor, unfortunate souls who are having issues in this life.

Unfortunately, no one seems to want my help. I spent a good hour and a half today asking people I met if they wanted my help. Everyone said no.

Determined to help people, I have hijacked an advice column from a newspaper, providing much better answers than that Abby (if that is her real name) could ever dream of giving. I’m going to help these people whether they like it or not.

Dear Nathan:

I married the love of my life, “Simon,” a year ago. While Simon and I stood taking our vows at the altar, his mother, “Bernice,” felt the need to stand up and announce that the only reason we were being married was because I was pregnant — and that I’d done it on purpose to tie him down. I was devastated hearing this at my wedding, and I let Simon know it. I tried to forgive her.

A few months later, Bernice arrived at the hospital as I was giving birth. Again, she started in on how I got pregnant on purpose to tie her son down and began telling everyone in my family how horrible I was. Again, I tried to forgive her.

The final straw came when plans were being made to celebrate Simon’s college graduation. Bernice made dinner reservations for everyone in the family and excluded my son and me. I told Simon how hurt I was. His response was, “I can’t control my mother.”

What should I do?

Had Enough in Grapevine, Tex.

Dear Had Enough in Grapevine, Tex.,

Have you tried to give “Bernice” a hug? She sounds like an unpleasant woman who is just desperately in need of a hug.

The biggest thing you can do to help your relationship with “Bernice” is to stop putting quotes around her name. I’m sure it rubs her the wrong way every time you make that air quote motion when you say her name. It would definitely annoy me if I received a Christmas card from you with my name quoted. In fact, proper etiquette says you should refrain from using quotes around things that aren’t quotes.

I hope this has helped,

Nathan

 

Dear Nathan:

My sister and her family live in the Southwest. I live in North Carolina. Ever since their children were born, I have sent them money for birthdays and for the holidays.

My husband and I were not blessed with children of our own. The adults in the family exchange cards, but not gifts.

We have decided that when the nieces and nephews reach the age of 18, we would like to stop sending them money. We are not terribly close, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. My nephew will soon be 18.

Any suggestions?

Aunt Molly

Dear Aunt Molly,

It looks like you have set a very dangerous precedent. Now these kids will expect money from you forever and ever. If you stop, you risk having them show up at your funeral someday and talk about the day you ruined their life, forcing them to live a destitute life on the streets, all because you stopped giving them the money they needed to live on.

It looks like your only option is to fake your own death. After a month or so, you should return from the dead, so to speak. They will be so surprised that you didn’t really perish in a terrible jellyfish attack (or however you choose to “die”) that they will no longer care about getting ten dollars from you for their birthday.

Good luck with your fake-dying,

Nathan

Dear Nathan:

My boyfriend and I are going head-to-head about whose name should appear first on letters, address labels, etc. We live together but are not engaged, and we send out cards as well as receive them from couples in similar circumstances.

I believe the woman’s name should come first, but he says the man’s name should be first whether you’re dating, engaged or married.

Who is right?

Needs to Be Sure Waldorf, Md.

Dear Needs to Be Sure Waldorf, Md.,

Seriously? That is your biggest problem? Address labels? What, are you guys having knife fights over these labels?

Despite the stupidity of your argument, I will go ahead and help you out.

You have two ways to go here. Number one, challenge him to that knife fight. Make sure you have practiced beforehand, otherwise, there’s no guarantee that you will win.

Number two, just order them how you want. Unless he is a professional pen-pal or letter writer, it will be a year or two before he even notices. We men are unobservant that way.

Hoping you don’t end up stabbing each other.

Nathan

12 thoughts on “Dear Nathan: The Greatest Advice Ever Given

  1. If you’re serious about helping people, you should make Dear Nathan a regular feature. Maybe one day it could turn into a column with a national publication…you could help millions! Just like Dear Abby…but maybe without the wig? 😉

    Like

  2. Great work Nathan! Has Aunt Molly considered moving to Australia because from there North Carolina would be in the Southwest and she would be able to rekindle family ties once she moved back?

    Like

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