Turn on the news. Right now. Just for a second flip it on. You won’t want to watch anymore than that second. On this channel, you are certain to hear about the United States stock market dropping faster than Lindsay Lohan at a cocaine and liquor convention. (It was just too easy. I apologize, Ms. Lohan.)
That is bad. In fact, it is one of the worst things that could happen right now. We shouldn’t be surprised, though.
It is, after all, August 8.
August 8 is a historically bad day. Maybe it’s because children have been home all summer and their parents and siblings alike are about to have nervous breakdowns, leading to chaos. Maybe it is because August is an unpleasant month to begin with. Maybe it is God telling us that the month of August would be best spent in a bomb shelter away from everyone and everything.
Whatever the reason, it is terrible.
If you don’t believe me, let’s look at the cold hard facts (The warm, spongy facts are never as convincing).
August 8, 1908: Wilbur Wright makes his first flight in France. This would be the first public demonstration of the Wright Brothers’ magical flying apparatus. That is a good thing, right? Nothing bad could happen because of that.
Think again. Without the Wright Brothers’ machine, there would be no airports. Without airports, there would be less of a market for a product we like to call the “Cinn-a-bon.” The Wright brothers’ plane is directly responsible for the current obesity epidemic in America. Thanks a lot, Wright brothers!
August 8, 1605: Charles the IX of Sweden creates the city of Oulu. Currently, Oulu is home to 141,172 people.
Nothing bad has ever happened in Oulu. Oh except for the Air Guitar World Championships! If you think that isn’t bad, look at this:
I’m assuming you’re too terrified to speak right now.
If those two events weren’t enough to convince you, look at the birthdays: JC Chasez from N’Sync, Drew Lachey from 98 degrees, Scott Stapp from Creed. It’s a virtual who’s who of terrible music.
Of course, there are some things that happened on August 8 that weren’t terrible. For instance, the Graf Zeppelin flew all the way around the world without exploding like the Hindenburg in 1929. It would continue to fly until 1937, avoiding all explosions until it was retired shortly after that other airship proved that flammable gasses like hydrogen should be kept away from fire. For the Graf, that’s several years of non-explosive flying action!
Maybe there will be some great August 8 event today. For instance, maybe, after reading this blog and realizing what a genius I am, Barack Obama will give me a call.
“Nathan?” he will ask, a sense of urgency in his voice.
“Yes, Senor Presidente?” I will say.
“Your country needs you.”
I will, of course, know exactly what that means. I will jump into action, saving the United States, no, the ENTIRE WORLD from financial ruin. As a gift for fixing these problems, China will give me their Great Wall, offering to make it even greater if I ask. France will give me the Eiffel Tower along with a delightfully airy yet filling baguette. Canada will give me Wayne Gretzky. I will have a collection of the world’s greatest treasures all because I was able to save it.
Or, I can just wait until tomorrow, I guess. Surely it will be a lot better.
After all, it is the International Day of the World’s Indigenous People. How could that be a bad thing?