500 BC- Aegimus, a Greek physician, writes a book on the art of making cheesecake. In a possibly related note, the average weight of the Greeks balloons up 40 pounds.
160 BC– Cato the Elder includes two cheesecake recipes in his book, De Agri Cultura. One such recipe is titled “Placenta.” The second edition of his book would include a note that it was not that kind of placenta, but actually a delicious dessert. This edition would be significantly more popular.
146 BC- The Romans invade Greece, stealing their cheesecake recipe. With the Cheesecake Era of Rome beginning, the Romans would effectively make themselves an empire by 27 BC. The cheesecake itself made their invasions much easier as members of the opposing armies often broke battle formation saying, “Ooo. Look! They have cheesecake!”
1453 AD– The Roman Empire would fall after an army of health conscious soldiers grew tired of the constant eating of cheesecake. Fueled primarily by fresh fruits, these physically fit soldiers actually did no fighting, but rather divided up the empire after the Roman army polished off their third piece of cheesecake and laid down to take a nap.
1492- Christopher Columbus discovers America. Although a popular myth says he was trying to locate India, Columbus was actually trying to locate the “Indian Cheesecake Bakery.” Fortunately for history, he took a wrong turn on Oak St., ended up on a ship, and arrived in America.
1775- Patrick Henry proudly proclaims, “Give me liberty or give me death!” While he is held up as a patriotic hero, Henry was actually just trying to move along proceedings because he had spotted a cheesecake in another room.
1872- William Lawrence accidentally makes “unripened cheese,” a very heavy and very creamy accident. Despite the fact that he lives in New York, he names this cheese “Philadelphia,” essentially saying that Philadelphians are very, very heavy. Lawrence would later be beaten to death by a mob lead by a fat green creature named the Phillie Phanatic. The last words he heard would be, “New York Sucks!”
1912- James Kraft invents cream cheese. The world of cheesecake is changed forever…
1955- In the film “Guys and Dolls,” Frank Sinatra eats cheesecake in a scene with Marlon Brando. Since Sinatra hated cheesecake, Brando would purposely mess up each take, forcing Sinatra to eat more cheesecake in another take. After the filming ended, Sinatra hated Brando more than cheesecake.
1969- America lands on the moon. While Neil Armstrong’s first words are widely known, his second was, “Oh crap. This isn’t cheesecake at all. It’s just stupid rocks. MICHAEL! START UP APOLLO! WE ARE LEAVING NOW!”
1985- The sitcom “The Golden Girls” premiered on NBC. The plot revolved around four old ladies who loved cheesecake. Over the course of seven seasons, the four ladies would eat cheesecake approximately 3,278 times.
2011- An idiot blogger makes a list of historical cheesecake facts.
*Many of these stories are actually partially true. Isn’t that neat?!