Kitchen Safety: How To Avoid Dying In The Most Dangerous Room Ever Created

Look how dangerous the kitchen can be.

There are some days where you feel like an idiot. A big honkin’ idiot. An idiot to end all idiots, the idiot king if you will. Everyone has those days. You accidentally trip and skin your knee on your way to work, you fall off of a treadmill during your daily workout routine, you accidentally fill your car up with diesel instead of regular unleaded.

Fortunately, I never have days like that. Ever. I am the epitome of perfection, never experiencing an awkward, idiotic moment in my life. I have a friend, though, that experienced one of these moments yesterday. For the sake of the story, we’ll call him Bathan.

Bathan arrived home yesterday to find his wife making a delicious dinner: latkes. For those who have never tried latkes, they are pancakes made of grated potatoes. They are delicious, quite possibly one of the greatest potato-based foods in the history of the world.

Being the perfect husband that Bathan is, he went into the kitchen to help. After all, things get done much quicker if everyone pitches in.

With the recipe calling for six potatoes to be grated, Bathan set to grating. What a grating machine he was. Five potatoes found themselves in tiny pieces just like that. He grabbed the sixth one and began to grate it.

Once finished grating, Bathan realized something very unpleasant: the tiny nub of a potato that was left in the grater was stuck. He gently and very carefully stuck his finger in to dislodge said potato. Unfortunately, the grater slid slightly, cutting his finger.

The blood gushed from his finger like a significantly more disgusting version of Ol’ Faithful. If one did not know better, it would be easy to assume you had stumbled onto the set of the latest “Saw” flick. People would have assumed that one of those “Twilight” vampires had been making dinner. Probably the vampire version of latkes which retains the potatoes from the original recipe but replaces everything else with blood.

Bathan held his finger up high, placing pressure on the wound. It continued to bleed for what seemed like hours.

Okay, I have to come clean right here. Bathan is not a real name. Bathan was me.

Today, I have spent much of my day hoping nothing touches the tip of my index finger. When something does, it does not feel good. I attribute this to the fact that I accidentally removed a piece of it yesterday.

I learned a very important lesson in kitchen safety yesterday. In the interest of public safety, I will give you a short rundown on rules for the kitchen.

1. Stay away from sharp objects.

Sharp objects are found many places in the kitchen. Usually, these sharp objects are meant for slicing, dicing, cutting, mincing, etc. They can also do that to your finger. Stay away.

2. Stay away from dull objects.

All of the objects in a kitchen that are not sharp happen to be dull. These objects can easily fall onto your head or toe, causing pain, possible concussions, or, even worse, death. DO NOT go near these objects either.

3. Stay out of the kitchen

If the sharp objects or dull objects aren’t going to get you, there are tons of other hazards. For instance, did you know your dishwasher, a device filled with water, has an electrical outlet attached to it? Sounds like an electrical hazard to me.

Also, you use a lot of fire in kitchens. A LOT. Fire burns things like people or buildings.

The safest bet would be to stay in the living room and order food to come to you.

If you follow all of these rules, you are significantly less likely to suffer an injury to your finger or any other part of your body.

Oh, and by the way, yes, my finger is fine. Thanks for asking.

5 thoughts on “Kitchen Safety: How To Avoid Dying In The Most Dangerous Room Ever Created

  1. Before you remove yourself permanently from kitchen duties, I have a couple of words for you:

    Bags of Frozen Julienned or Diced Potatoes – at a grocery store near you.

    I’m sure that in about a week you’ll be able to make some of those delicious latkes for your wife. Just hide the bag after you use the potatoes.


  2. “Your” finger is fine? I thought it was Bathan who de-grate-ed himself!

    In my house, the kitchen is the second most dangerous place in the house because only the chef is at risk. In the dining room, however, one chefly mistake can take the lives of everyone in the room!


  3. Since it is so dangerous, don’t you think all you husbands should be doing the cooking? Afterall, when we are in the kitchen we are “damsels in distress” and it’s our man’s job to rescue us. I wrote on my blog the top ten reasons I hate to cook, and now you have given me more evidence of that hazardous place. Really men, step it up and save us from the evil kitchen.


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