Have $799,000? Buy Your Own Town.

Every day, the news has a more and more dire outlook on the situations in America. We are told over and over that the economy is bad, the government is about to collapse, the world is ending, we are all going to die of cancer from everything that we do, not that it matters because we are all so fat we will die of a heart attack long before that cancer ever arrives.

I’ve tended to block some of it out. I’m a very happy-go-lucky person. I like to focus on the positives in my life. For instance, I bought some new shoelaces for my brown shoes. They keep my shoes tied very well, so my life is pretty good despite the fact that modern civilization is apparently crumbling around me.

While I was focusing on the fact that I will most likely not trip and fall because of an untied lace, things took an even bigger turn for the worse. I’ve heard of people trying to ditch their houses because they can’t afford them anymore, but today I saw the worst sign of a failing economy I’ve ever seen.

An entire town is for sale.

A town called Scenic in South Dakota (that is the state just south of the middle of nowhere) has been put on the market. Not just a little bit of the town but all 46 acres.

It’s a town that anyone would love to own. It comes complete with a saloon, a dance hall, a museum (most likely filled with pictures of the saloon and dance hall), two jails and not one, but TWO stores. These buildings are all in pristine condition as well. See?

Isn’t that a picture perfect downtown?

Not only is this town a great place to visit, but it is a very forward thinking city. In fact, the sign for the town’s saloon states that even Indians are allowed inside to enjoy their “wiskey,” tobacco, lunch, and dancing. There aren’t many places in South Dakota that go out of their way to make sure that fact is known.

With a town as perfect as this, who would be crazy enough to let it go? I would certainly never part with it. It’s not often you can live in a place that looks like it belongs in “No Country For Old Men.”

Since the town’s heyday (I’m not sure on the date of this, but it was roughly around the time that people still called bars “saloons”), the town’s population has fallen, finally bottoming out at six people. Apparently the income tax for six people is not enough to keep a town running and since all six people are related, the elections for mayor were just cumbersome on their familial relationships.

My first thought when I saw this was, “Where is my checkbook?!” Fortunately my second thought was, “My checking account barely has enough in it to cover the purchase of a nice suit, let alone an entire town.”

This does not curb my appetite to own my own town, however. I know that I would be the best mayor in history, but I’m being held back by the fact that no one else thinks I would be. At this point, I am fairly certain the only way for me to be elected mayor is to have my own town.

That is why I am asking you for your help today. Between all of us, we can create a perfect civilization, a civilization where Indians can come inside and share a dance and a smoke. A civilization where we have two jails but one is abandoned because that is just how low our crime rate. A civilization without those pesky paved roads or overly ornate “modern” buildings that are not about to “fall down.”

All we need is $799,000. I’m calling on you to send anything you can. Every little bit helps. Just mail your money to PO Box 1775 Olathe, KS 66062. The future is ours and the future is in Scenic, South Dakota.

Note to all readers: That is not a real address. If you thought it was, then I got you! Haha! Anyways, don’t mail anything there. It would not be the best idea.