Barack Obama, Shower Curtains, and Dachshund Paws: The Ramblings of a Sleepless Man

It is currently 4:14 in the AM.

So why am I awake right now, you may ask? Well, I am asking the same question. I don’t have a good answer. Maybe I’m concerned with the economy. Maybe I’m worried about the type of world my future children will have to live in. Maybe my dog moved around on my bed, thus awakening me and sending me into the spiral of no sleep.

Okay, it was the last one. When Dachshunds step on you it’s like being punched with a tiny fist.

I was laying there, fully asleep, when my little dog decided that the covers she had so carefully buried herself in were too hot. She crawled out and immediately stepped on my back with her Lilliputian paws. Post-dachshund attack, I laid there, hoping to go back to sleep. Of course, if you hope to go back to sleep, that is the last thing that will happen.

Tired of staring at the darkness, I decided to pass the time until I was ready to resume my usual nighttime coma, grabbing my cell phone and opening up a game of Texas Hold ‘Em. I don’t know why this is the game I chose since I am terrible at poker. I really get annoyed with it when I am fully conscious, so at night it’s even worse.

Silently I laid there, losing hand after hand at the pretend poker table. After a while, I realized instead of making me tired, this was making me want to find the man who calls himself “PokerKing” and punch him in his PokerFace.

After losing 4,000 imaginary dollars (Thus losing the imaginary down payment for my imaginary Ford Taurus) I got out of bed and started downstairs. Carefully maneuvering these steps in the dark, I arrived in my living room.

With nothing better to do, I grabbed my computer and went to Facebook. I spent time reading several comments by friends (In the Facebook sense of the word, not real life friends) speaking about political things they have no business discussing. One person had purposefully gone onto Facebook just to say Barack Obama is a “lier” and to compare him to Satin. I’m still not sure why this is the fabric he is most like or why they seem to think that is a bad thing, but I guess there are worse fabrics to be compared to. Burlap, for instance.

After thinking about how I need new friends (once again, Facebook friends, not real life friends) I found myself here, typing away in the darkness.

I really would prefer to be sleeping, though. I looked up tips for sleeping, hoping to find a magic fix that doesn’t involve heating up milk. Hot milk has always seemed like a bad idea to me. Several of these tips involved not napping during the day. Since I haven’t had a nap since I was in grade school, I figured that I was right on target there. Hooray me!

Another tip involved not having nicotine or caffeine before bed. Since I had bypassed my usual Cigarlatte for the evening (Two shots of espresso and ground up cigar tobacco. It‘s disgusting, but, man, are you wired for hours.), that was also taken care of.

That left one thing.


What could I be stressed about? I tossed it back and forth in my mind. I had a job, so that wasn’t it. My car was working fine this week, so that wasn’t it either. That’s when it hit me: I was stressed about shower curtains.

Earlier in the day, I had accompanied my wife to the mall in her hunt for a red shower curtain. One would assume that a red shower curtain would be a simple enough thing to find. One would be wrong.

After looking in every store imaginable, the only red shower curtain we had found was $50 and, according to my wife, very ugly. I did not find it to be that ugly, but I am a man. What do I know about shower curtains?

After departing the mall, I had forgotten all about those curtains.

At least, that’s what I thought.

Now, though, those curtains are coming back to get me. Why? Why can’t they just have red shower curtains? It’s not that hard! Come on!

Actually, come to think of it, I’m not stressed about that at all. Maybe my dog’s tiny paw just woke me up and I can’t go back to sleep. Maybe the Mayo Clinic doesn’t know exactly why I’m awake, though if they did, I assume they would add another tip towards better sleep:

No. 8: Don’t let your dog step on you.

Sometimes dogs step on you. That can wake you up. Don’t let them do that.

Now, with my dog having fallen back to sleep, I think I’ll attempt to do this myself. We’ll see how it goes.

Hopefully I won’t dream about poker. Then I actually will be stressed.

9 thoughts on “Barack Obama, Shower Curtains, and Dachshund Paws: The Ramblings of a Sleepless Man

  1. Shower curtains are the hardest thing to shop for. I sympathize with your wife. it seems like all of them are either too ruffly, too childish, too expensive, etc. That really would stress me out…but, I am a woman, so I guess I just get it.


  2. Buy some boxing gloves for your dog, but I’m not talking about the kind Mohammed Ali wore… I’m talking about the cool Muay Thai ones. Then go to the dollar store and get cheap-o clear shower curtains and a can of red metallic spray paint. You’ll sleep like a baby! Also, I find a shot of Kahlua in the old hot milk calms me right down.


  3. What a hoot! All of it. I sleep with two Boston Terriers. I can usually sleep through the ear splitting snoring, but they tend to stretch out during the night and they shove me with their sharp, stick like legs. I wake up, then and wonder what it would be like with no dogs in the bed.

    Go buy some inexpensive red fabric at the fabric store and duct tape it to the wall. It works. And duct tape is cheap.


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