Farewell NFL Lockout. We Hardly Knew Ye.

I can’t remember the last time I was this happy on a Monday. It must have been months, nay, years ago that I felt this overjoyed about the week beginning.

This is one of the best Mondays in the history of the world. The sun is shining, birds are singing, animated creatures are frolicking through the woods, big dopey smiles plastered across their cartoon faces. This is the day everyone has been waiting for.

We get to go back to work!

No, of course that’s not what I’m talking about. If you guys honestly thought that was where I was going with this, you are absolutely insane. I’m sure most of us would still rather undergo water boarding in place of resuming the doldrums of our everyday work life. Water boarding is equally as unpleasant, but at least they have to stop every once in a while to refill their bucket.

What I’m talking about is much more important than anything that could happen at your work (That statement is meant for everyone except for rescue personnel). In fact, it is so big and exciting that I can barely type the last sentence in this paragraph due to my hands shaking from anticipation.

The 2011 NFL season is saved.

Hooray! After months of the NFL owners and players fighting like a couple dividing up their CD collection after the big divorce (The players just would not let the owners have “The Best of Barry Manilow”), the two groups have reconciled and, once again, we get to watch adults slam their heads into other players every Sunday.

Neither the league nor the player’s association were willing to talk about the terms of the new labor agreement, but according to various websites (by various, I mean this one) these have been labeled as the new terms:

-Players are allowed a nap everyday including game days.

-Owners may throw bottle rockets at the players during scrimmages, although it is limited to three boxes per day.

-Every MVP trophy also comes with a kitten. All other trophies will only come with a hamster, though.

-All owners must provide orange slices and Gatorade at halftime. If the team wins, they must also take everyone out to Pizza Hut.

-New pair of cleats every season for all players AND they can’t come off of the bargain rack. Also, no more hand me down pads.

-All would-be tacklers must warn the opposing player on how hard they intend to tackle them. Example: “JUST SO YOU KNOW, I’M ABOUT TO HIT YOU REALLY HARD, PROBABLY ABOUT AN 8 OUT OF 10 ON TACKLING SEVERITY!”

-The teams are no longer forced to watch the inspirational football film “Remember The Titans” before every playoff game. They now are allowed to choose between “Remember The Titans,” “Rudy,” and “Sex and the City: The Movie.”

-Hazing for all rookies is limited to 10 minutes at the beginning of training camp. After that, all pranks must be played equally on all teammates.

It really sounds like the two sides came together to form a better league. I’m so happy those two could finally work it out.

Of course, there is a downside to the ending of the lockout. It was reported that over 25,000 sports reporters will lose their jobs while much of the remaining workforce will be reassigned to cover whether or not Brett Favre is retiring. Our hearts and prayers here at the Life and Times go out to these reporters.

For sports fans like me, though, this is the greatest day in history. Better than D-Day, the (supposed) moon landing and the release date for “Rocky” combined. This day will forever be remembered as “Pigskin Monday.” We’ll remember this day as we raise our statue of commissioner Roger Goodell and sing songs of praise.

So dump a cooler of Gatorade on your coworker in celebration. Then you might want to run because he is not going to be happy. It doesn’t matter, though: Football is back. That is all you need to know.

Note to all of those reading who don’t care about football: You can still use this as an excuse to dump Gatorade on someone. It really is a fun activity for everybody.

3 thoughts on “Farewell NFL Lockout. We Hardly Knew Ye.

  1. Remember those little red wads of gunpowder which would explode if you threw them really hard onto the sidewalk (we called them “cherry bombs”)? I’d love to see football adopt those things stuck to all helmets as part of the regulation uniform.


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