Diet Tips Guaranteed to Make You Lose Weight. Maybe.

The internet is a wonderful tool. It can help you find all kinds of things, from a recipe for Mango-Chutney Beef Tenderloin to who that guy is on that one commercial, what have I seen him in, and why is he doing commercials now? (That, I believe, is the single most asked question on the internet.)

Of course, I don’t use it for that, and I highly doubt anyone here has ever made Mango-Chutney Beef Tenderloin. I don’t even know what Chutney is. I want to say a plant, but who has any idea.

What it seems most people are looking for on the internet is a way to lose weight. That and news about Kim Kardashian.

Since its bikini season, every day has brought forth a new diet “tip” or “secret” to help you lose weight and thus look less gross. After all, if you don’t look like Paris Hilton or Ryan Reynolds, you are a disgusting slovenly mess that does not deserve the attention of another human being.

People are telling you to do things like drink water instead of soda or eat more protein or don’t continue your bedtime ritual of eating an entire five pound calzone before you go to sleep. In fact, these tips have been said so much that they mean nothing to me anymore. It’s like people warning you to tie your shoelace: you know you can trip and break open your head because someone has told you that roughly 8,000 times, but you just don’t care anymore.

Then there are the people telling you and me to exercise. That’s just ridiculous. Surely they know how busy I am. If I have to choose between exercising and watching a rerun of Seinfeld, Seinfeld wins every time.

Honestly, listening to some of these people give advice, I’m not sure they are doctors at all. I’m pretty sure they don’t have any clue about what their saying.

In that great tradition, I too have dieting advice. Is any of it scientifically accurate? I don’t know, but neither do you, so don’t waste your time questioning it. After all, I am a certified doctor*. Follow these dieting rules and you are guaranteed** to lose weight:


Survival of the Fittest Rule

One of the main reasons we, as a culture, have become fat is we no longer have to compete for food. We are able to walk to our freezer, heat up a 4,000 calorie burrito that we are certain will give us diarrhea, eat it, then go back for seconds because we didn’t get enough cheese sauce substitute the first time.

If you really want to lose weight, gather up five or six of your friends and form a weight loss circle.

How this works is you and your friends find one meal a day, for instance a Triple Whopper with Cheese. Then the group heads out into a field, lays down the Whopper, steps back an equal distance, and takes off running. Your primal instinct will kick in, causing you and your friends to physically fight over this burger. If you don’t win that meal, you will lose weight by having to wait until the next meal. If you do win, you still burned a lot of calories gouging out your friends’ eyes and throwing elbows. It’s a major win-win.


Imagination Rule

People are all cynical. I know this for a fact because I have been a people since I was born. It is the way of the people: we want to make fun of things.

When you start to crave a certain item, say a Triple Whopper with Cheese, take a second and picture that item. Looks good, doesn’t it?

Now picture a morbidly obese man who smells eating it. Your mind is suddenly filled with so many wisecracks about how that is the “last thing that guy needs.”

Remember, if you eat that food, you will become that guy. Suddenly a side salad doesn’t sound so bad, does it?


Sleeping Pill Rule

Need to lose weight really fast? This is the best way.

Take sleeping pills. Not a lot, just enough to knock you out completely. It’s hard to eat when you are sleeping.


Food Bouncer Rule

Everyone has that one friend that never has money and is always mooching off of everyone else.

Offer to pay for that friends’ food for the next month if he will keep you away from foods like, say, a Triple Whopper with Cheese. Next time you try to grab one of those foods, you’ll get a solid right hook to the jaw and a feeling that you shouldn’t try to eat that food anymore.


If none of this does the trick, try out some home-liposuction. All you need is a scalpel, a Dust Buster, and that new swimsuit for when you’re done.

Imagine the looks on your friends’ faces when they see the new you. They’ll be green with envy and so jealous that they might, just for a second, contemplate murder.

So put down that Triple Whopper with Cheese and hop to it. You still have two months to enjoy your sexy swimsuit physique.

After that, all of the TV shows will be new, so you really won’t care anymore.

*Doctor of Doctoring from the University of Nathan Badley, 2011 (The University of Nathan Badley is neither certified nor an actual University)


2 thoughts on “Diet Tips Guaranteed to Make You Lose Weight. Maybe.

  1. Pingback: Diet Tips Guaranteed to Make You Lose Weight. Maybe. « The Life … | Diet | Diets

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