Internet Claims Unicorns Are Real, Disappoints Many

You win again, internet.

This morning, I woke up, ready to learn what was going on in the world. I turned on the computer, clicked on the internet, waited for the internet to load (it’s a very slow computer) and saw what I thought was going to be the story of a lifetime.

“Arabian Unicorn Thrives in the Wild.”

“What?!” I shouted, startling everyone within a four mile radius. Real life unicorns!

Now, I’m not one to love the idea of unicorns. As a kid, I really never cared about unicorns at all, mostly because I was not a little girl. Unicorns seem to be strictly a girl thing. While we boys are tearing things up, girls are thinking about unicorns and rainbows and fairies and all sorts of incredibly nice things. Then they go have a tea party. I’m not a person who loves gender roles, but they do seem to make little girls a lot nicer to be around then little boys.

Despite my unicorn-apathy, I was intrigued. I don’t know if you know this, but unicorns are considered imaginary. Fake. If a real unicorn was found, it would be the most insanely crazy story ever.

After weeks of depressing news about tornadoes, storms, floods, congressional genitals, this was a welcome sight. We could finally put all of the bad stuff behind us because we found a pretty, pretty unicorn. The only thing that would make it better is if it had been found on a farm owned by Bigfoot.

I imagined the picture that would finally load once I hit the link. Most likely, this unicorn would be standing at the edge of a cliff, majestically peering off of the side as a rainbow filled the sky behind this magical creature. From every picture I’ve ever seen, this seems to be the go to pose for unicorns. It’s like the unicorn equivalent of the deep, pensive stares that Abercrombie models seem to favor.

After roughly three and a half years of waiting for the page to load, it was finally there. The picture of the unicorn.


You might notice something strange about this unicorn.

It isn’t one.

This animal is called the Arabian Oryx and, if I’m not mistaken, looks an awful lot like a goat, an animal you would find in a petting zoo, not a unicorn, a mythical beast that prances through the countryside, its mane flowing the air.

(Quick sidenote: Why are goats allowed in petting zoos? They are disgusting and usually fairly mean. Plus they chew on literally everything. Once you’re able to get past all of that, they aren’t even soft. It’s like a petting a burlap sack that smells and chews on everything. Also, they lick a lot, and I don’t know where that goat’s tongue has been. As we’ve established, they chew on EVERYTHING.)

Apparently, the horns of this stupid animal gave rise to the legends of the wonderfully delightful unicorn. Never mind the fact that there are two horns, which should technically give rise to the legends of the duocorn, a much less magical animal.

Sure, the article tried to make it sound cool. It can smell water from miles away. It has special hooves that allow it to walk through sand.

Is it magical? Is there a chance I could ride it? No. It isn’t and I can’t. That means that this is just a stupid two-horned animal that smells water. Big stinking whoop.

Suffice it to say, you win again internet. You created a nice headline to draw me into a news site, only to take that headline, spit on it, light it on fire, then laugh at me for clicking on the link.

One day, though, I will find a fantastical headline that won’t let me down. I’ll see the headline, “Abominable Snowman Elected Mayor of Charlotte,” and it won’t just be talking about a really pale guy who gave himself a nickname. It will be an actually abominable snowman.

Yes, hope springs eternal.

Until then, though, I’m done with internet news. You have upset me for the last time. You are dead to me. Dead, I say. You……can’t……possibly…..

“Bionic Funny Bone Leaves Girl Smiling?” Really? She’s a bionic woman? This can’t possibly disappoint.

3 thoughts on “Internet Claims Unicorns Are Real, Disappoints Many

  1. A duocorn? You are too funny Nathan. BTW – I think goats are always in petting zoos because we have so many of them that they had to start finding other places to put them.


  2. Vietnam has had unicorns for millenia, but they disappeared for the longest time and were rediscovered in the North 10 or 20 years ago. Like the Arabian Oryx, they are very well-endowed…with double the number of “corns” you’d expect from a critter with a name like that. The Vietnamese ones also look a lot like goats, although true goats have a decidedly depraved look about them, don’t they?

    I think that petting zoos (suddenly I’m thinking of the parties my friend Lenny had in his basement in grade 6 when he was able to convince some girls from another part of town to come over) have goats there as a deterrent. Think about it… have you ever been to a petting zoo and were allowed touch with the fuzzy bunnies? Nope, never. The kids can only touch the animals that smell like squeegee kids. The children touch the rough, smelly, wanton goats and don’t like it but a smart parent tells his children that all animals feel and smell like that, even bunnies and kitties. That way the parent won’t have to clean doots out of the shag carpeting for the next decade.

    And I agree with you, it was much more fun being a destructive little boy. Did you ever blast apart glue-together-yourself model cars or planes with a pellet rifle, imagining everything to scale so the pellet rifle was like the size of a Howitzer? Beats the hell out of tea parties, eh?


  3. this is the site for you.
    its online version of the free paper on the London tube.
    This is by far the best section.

    headlines such as

    “Jewish court sentences dog to death by stoning ‘as it’s lawyer reincarnated’
    “Sisters settle court case over one degree on thermostat argument”
    “Woodland sex game couple spark police call ”
    “Man narrowly escapes jail after shooting off finger removing wart”


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