“Women Are Irrational,” Says Science

Well, it’s official. Science has proven it, and there is no disputing the facts here, ladies and gentlemen.

Women are completely and utterly irrational.

Science Daily, a publication I assume to be very reputable because it has the word “Science” in the title, not to mention they know enough to publish something “Daily,” has published a new study. This study analyzed the sleep patterns of married couples.

In this study, it was discovered that women who did not sleep well spend the next day tormenting their husbands or, as Science Daily put it, having “more negative and less positive marital interactions the next day.” The nights that women slept well were followed by days of marital bliss. The days when the husband was away for work or out of town were not included in the study, but I’m betting there was very little fighting there.

Meanwhile, men, such as myself, did NOT cause negative marital interactions after a bad night’s sleep. We had a cup of coffee, kissed our wife goodbye, and headed off to work, a smile on our faces.

You may be wondering why a person would waste their time on this survey. What value could it possibly have? Well, quite simply, this proves what I have been saying all along.

That fight was not my fault.

Anytime there is a fight in my household, I am 100% certain it was caused by my wife. I know for a fact that it could have absolutely nothing to do with anything I did because I am the picture of perfection when it comes to marriage. I am the Babe Ruth of monogamy.

Despite all of my perfections, though, there are still fights.

For instance, the other night I received the full brunt of my wife’s wrath. It seems that I was supposed to “put up the stupid dishes” just because, when she asked me too, I said, “Yeah, okay.” Now, she definitely should have known that I wasn’t listening to her. I was engrossed in a Wikipedia loop, and she knows that once I start clicking link after link after link on Wikipedia, I am not going to do what I need to.

She went into the kitchen and put the dishes up, complaining the whole time. What a negative marital interaction that was. I can only assume that she didn’t get enough sleep the night before.

Or what about her frustration with my leaving of clothes on the floor? Surely she understands that the hamper is on the OTHER side of the room. There is no way she could possibly expect me to walk all the way over there just to put a sock in a basket.

If she had taken a nap that day, I’m sure my behavior would not have even registered on her Wifedar (Wife Radar).

Now that we know the cause of all marital problems, the question becomes how can we solve this?

My theory is very simple and elegant. Women love boxes of chocolates. Or bags of chocolates. Really, they love anything that is chocolate, smells like chocolate, looks like chocolate, or resembles chocolate in any way. To women, chocolate is a gift from the gods, and while it may go straight to their hips, the joy it brings is always worth it.

To solve this lack of sleep problem, the answer is simple: chocolate coated sleeping pills.

There is a very slim chance that women are going to take a sleeping pill just because you ask them to. They’ll ask all kinds of crazy questions like, “Why?” or “No, seriously, why are you trying to get me to take this pill?” Women are crazy like that.

If you coat it in chocolate, women will immediately eat it without thinking about it. It’s the same way we men feel about things coated in cheese.

Next thing you know, you have a well rested wife and a healthy marriage, all because you had the courtesy to care enough about your wife to drug her. After all, that’s what true love is all about.

Sure, other people may say things like, “Just clean up after yourself so she doesn’t get mad.” Well those people are insane. I don’t have the time to avoid every little thing that is going to cause a fight. Why should I have to put my shoes away after a hard day of pretending to do work?

Besides, it’s not like we have any control over the fights anyway.

It’s all women’s fault.


6 thoughts on ““Women Are Irrational,” Says Science

  1. I don’t mean to come off as an expert here but I’ve been married to my deliriously happy wife for 15 years and before that I brought bliss into the life of another woman for about a dozen years (until she found slightly more bliss in the arms of a man a full foot taller than I). If there’s anything that a woman responds to on a par with chocolate, it’s carpeting. So what I did when my wife misguidedly started complaining about my dirty clothes all over the floor, I told her that the clothes acted as an additional layer to protect the high-traffic areas. Problem solved.


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