Hooray for National Doughnut Day!

Quick, go to your closet and pull out your nicest sweat pants. You’re definitely going to want an elastic waistband.

Today is one of America’s biggest and most revered holidays.

Today is National Doughnut Day.

You are most likely wondering why a National Doughnut Day exists. The reason is very simple. Have you ever had a doughnut? They’re delicious. Who doesn’t like fried dough that is covered in sugar?

Now all of the health nuts reading this are saying, “Can you believe the evil doughnut companies would create a day just to sell more doughnuts? What about juvenile diabetes? What about the obesity rate? What about the sticky fingers it causes?”

Whoa. Just calm down. This is actually a legitimate tradition that has nothing to do with slowly killing our youth.

The year was 1938. Summer had rolled around and the Salvation Army was looking for a fundraiser. Since Santa hats, red buckets and bells are normally reserved for winter, the Salvation Army was forced to look elsewhere.

Salvation Army director John C. Salvation III was very much a fan of the idea of baked goods. After weeks of preparation, he held a meeting with the rest of the board of directors, suggesting sales of delicious cookies. After hours of debate, the idea was voted in 10-1.

However, after a run in with the Chicago mob, then operated by the Girl Scouts of America, Salvation was forced to table the idea, fearing that the fearless “Green Sashes” would not spare his life the next time he invaded their turf.

Depressed over the failure of his idea and broken kneecaps, Salvation wondered into a local diner. Noticing his sorrow, the local waitress gave him something to comfort him. It was sweet, delicious, and very fried.

It was Salvation’s first doughnut.

He immediately jumped from his seat and ran out the door, sprinted down the street to the Salvation Army Headquarters. Despite accidentally forgetting to pay his check, the waitress couldn’t be mad. It was just the doughnut working.

 As he ran, Salvation saw colors for the first time in his life. His feet seemed lighter than air and he felt the weight of his burdens fall off of his shoulders. Everything seemed real for the first time.

“I FEEL ALIVE!” Salvation was heard shouting as he ran across the busiest street in Chicago to get to the headquarters, barely hearing the bus behind him.

After the funeral, the rest of the Army agreed honor Salvation by selling doughnuts to raise money, creating the first ever National Doughnut Day.

Since then, NDD has become a whole new animal. Doughnut shops celebrate the event with free doughnuts, even competing against each other to see who can give away the most doughnuts.

As an example of this type of competition, today has shown two heavyweights, Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme, go at it, constantly tweeting about their free doughnuts.

Their attempts to start a second civil war, though, are futile. No one can be angry while eating a doughnut.

The best event to celebrate Doughnut Day is the Tour de Donut in Illinois. Bikers participate in a 30-mile race, but throughout the race, there are doughnut stops. For each doughnut that is eaten, your time is reduced by five minutes. No word, though, on what type of doughnut is served or if you still get the time knocked off after you throw up all of your doughnuts.

So run on down to your local doughnut shops (Seriously, run. There are a lot of calories in a doughnut…) and grab a free glazed treat. Maybe a jelly filled. Take advantage of all of the free doughnuts.

Just don’t get a doughnut that has stupid frosting and sprinkles on it. That’s a waste of a perfectly good free doughnut.

By the time you’re done, you’ll be thanking Hubert T. Sweat for his creation of the sweatpants.

There’s no way your jeans can handle this holiday.


2 thoughts on “Hooray for National Doughnut Day!

  1. I wonder if any of this is true? 🙂

    In my town, we had a Krispy Kreme store that closed. Ironically, the building is now a…vitamin store? Ironic connection? I think so.


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