Sextuplets: Why? No, seriously. Are you being punished for something?


I don’t care for children.

Sure, they’re adorable, with their little feet and hands. Sometimes they do funny things. Also, they finally give you an excuse to eat Fruity Pebbles and play with your G.I. Joe’s again.

Unfortunately, they are also little people that you are supposed to take care of. When they are new, they can’t use a toilet, dress themselves, feed themselves, or even walk around. They finally figure all of that out and are pleasant for a few years, but then they become teenagers. This phase is even worse, as teenagers are prone to become, well, become the very incarnation of every nightmare you’ve ever had in your life. Also, they will probably wreck your car.

For these reasons, the thought of having kids makes me shudder. I don’t care for their tendency to be sticky, whether it be from food or boogers. I’m not a huge fan of the fact that they always seem to WANT something from you. Can’t you see that I have things I would prefer to do over pretending that the Play-Doh you’re shoving in my mouth is a delicious cheeseburger?

Also, they always seem to be losing one tiny sock somehow. When my niece visits, I swear I find 20 to 30 tiny socks after she leaves. If I had kept every tiny sock I’d ever found, I could have my own tiny sock store. It would be aimed at a very specific clientele.

Now, I do want kids at some point, despite all of these issues I have with their behavior. After all, who doesn’t want a miniature person trying to be just like you all of the time? These are just things that make me slightly nervous about kids.

Then things like this happen, and I literally become afraid of uteri.

On Wednesday, a woman in Pennsylvania went to the hospital to have the tiny person inside of her removed. By tiny person, I mean six tiny people.

This woman gave birth to a litter of children.

Now I’m worried that someday I might go to the hospital and come home with an entire lineup of children and a very tired wife. I’m just now adjusting to the thought of one kid, so thinking about multiple kids is a bit nerve-racking.

This isn’t the first time I’ve thought about this.

My sister went through a spell of watching Jon and Kate Plus Eight. Every time I was around her, I was forced to watch a man and woman slowly lose their minds because of eight screaming kids. You were waiting for one of them to find a large wicker basket and drop all eight of them off in front of church with a note pinned to their shirts saying, “Take them, please! We don’t care what you do with them, just keep them away from us.”

Instead, they just got divorced.

Then there was that crazy Octomom lady who had eight kids AT ONE TIME! She was essentially a clown car of a woman, one kid after another jumping out of her.

Sure, there are benefits to having that many kids. For instance, if you ran a sweatshop, that would be ideal. I just don’t understand how people can handle that many kids at one time, although it probably involves a lot of crying.

I’m sure if I were the father to that many children, it would be different. I would probably love them all equally and want to be around the entire flock of kids every second I could. I might even miss them when they grew up and went to college.

Oh, I hadn’t even thought about college! Imagine how much that would cost!

No, that many kids would be a personal nightmare. Good luck to that Pennsylvanian family, I guess. They get six times the fun for the next 18 years.

Better them than me.


8 thoughts on “Sextuplets: Why? No, seriously. Are you being punished for something?

  1. I have two so far but they are only 15 months apart so sometimes it feels like they’re essentially at the same stage of life. We plan to have one more…but that is only a plan. I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat thinking about going to the doctors to get the ultrasound of our ONE more baby, only to find out there are multiples in there!


  2. Currently pregnant with the first one of these little “wreckers” – I have to assume that there is definitely more good than bad in having kids… There is no way back for me at this point – not that I want to go back =)


  3. I don’t care for kids either and I have two of them. I am stopping at two, because unless someone is going to pay me 5 grand for a “purebred” there is no reason to act like someone who gave birth in a box under the stairs!


  4. I’m single and kidless. I like being kidless. I am a great aunt and as I’ve said before I love spending time with other people’s children. They’re fun for a while and when things get “tired” I can easily give them back to their owners. Don’t know much about Octomom, but the name makes me think of calamari … octopus … “Octopussy.”


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