Prepare your mops and your dustpans. Empty out your vacuum bags. Put the finishing touches on your working replica of Rosie, the robot maid from The Jetsons.
It’s officially time for spring cleaning.
Every year, it happens the same way. You realize the necessity of spring cleaning as the sun comes out and warms your home. You slip on that pair of shorts and rejoice that winter is over.
You’re practically skipping down the stairs (Skipping down the stairs is very dangerous. I highly recommend walking, for safety’s sake). That’s when you noticed that warm sun that you were so happy to see has also revealed months of dirt, grime, trash, dirty underwear and some sort of food that you aren’t 100% certain about its origin, but you do know you haven’t eaten it this month.
Yesterday became that day for me. Suddenly, my flower bed in the front looked like a dilapidated empty lot; my backyard looked like a postwar cityscape. I realized my apartment had gradually begun to look like the set of Sanford and Son.
Frantically, I began to clean. I dug in the front yard; I carried rocks in the back. I emptied box after box after box of junk. Finally, my apartment looked perfect.
Then we all lived happily ever after. The end.
Of course, that’s not what actually happened.
I did carry rocks and dig and empty boxes. I did it very well.
For about three minutes. Then, my imaginary ADD kicked in.
It’s amazing how interesting everything in your life becomes when you need to do actual housework. My childhood baseball card collection needed sorted. You need a playlist to motivate you. While you are messing with your iPod, you should probably delete that ABBA from your playlist, lest you lose your massive street cred (editor’s note: He does not have street cred, unless we’re talking about Fluffy Bunny Lane, in which case he has massive street cred). You should go to the store to get that thing that will help do that other thing with the stuff that needs dealt with.
Meanwhile, the first steps of your cleaning project lay around you. You look around, regretting your decision to start cleaning by emptying out all of your drawers to organize the massive amounts of crap that you have accumulated throughout your life.
It’s enough to make you want to move into the woods and live a simpler life, free of the things that gather in drawers and closets throughout the year. Maybe build a shelter out of some fallen trees in the woods or a teepee. You could learn to live off the land and communicate with animals. Plus, you would get a sweet tan.
Unfortunately, that means you would also have to get rid of all of your stuff. I can’t possibly imagine leaving behind my lovely guitar or drawer of random computer parts from a long since departed CPU. How am I supposed to leave behind my old VHS tapes that I can’t play? What about my golf clubs that I haven’t found the opportunity to use yet?
There is only one answer: move. Just light the entire pile of knick knacks and paddywhacks that hold no value, sentimental or otherwise, on fire, collect the insurance, and find a new home that has already been put through a rigorous regimen of spring cleaning before you arrive. Also, look up what in the world a paddywhack is.
This should become a yearly tradition. It’s a lot like spring cleaning, but it’s more of a spring purging.
Or, you could move to a place that has no winter. Then you can’t gather up any stuff. Better yet, move to a place that has winter all year long (Antarctica, anyone?). Then, you are never forced to realize how disgusting your home is and you can just sit there until you die, wallowing in your own filth, but totally unaware of how off putting that filth really is.
I’m thinking I should just procrastinate. Instead of spring cleaning, I’ll plan for summer cleaning. This will eventually be changed to fall cleaning, then winter cleaning. I think I could continue this cycle forever without regretting it one bit.
Or I could continue my current mode of procrastination: the kind where I pretend to be doing useful things. Look! That picture is slightly crooked. I’d better go get the level, a pencil, a hammer, so new nails, some spackle to fill the old nail holes and paint to cover the spackle. I should be done with that in three or four days. THEN, I can get back to the spring cleaning.
That does seem like the most viable option.
I better wrap this bad boy up. I’m a very busy person, you know.
I have to find some new ways to distract myself from cleaning.