Dear Barack Obama

Dear Barack Obama,

Hello. How are you? I am also well, thanks for asking. It’s so great that we could catch up like this.

I was watching the Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday night. I do this every Sunday night with hopes of eventually seeing the animal on Donald Trump’s head move. It still hasn’t, but I retain hope.

Anyway, in the midst of my Trumpnotization (that is when you become hypnotized by the strange and epic swirl of Donald’s hair), you suddenly appear on my screen. Apparently, a group of people who are significantly braver than I had found Osama Bin Laden and very gently and carefully shot him a bunch of times, even using REAL bullets. I don’t know if you realize this, but those things can be dangerous.

Now, I don’t know if you remember, but when you were running for president, a bunch of people said you were a big sissy who wouldn’t stop terrorists. Granted, the people saying this were all trying to keep you from being elected, but it was said anyway.

So, after you stopped the Babe Ruth of terrorists, you were, I’m sure, expecting some sort of credit from that side.

I’m sure you’re aware that they’ve decided to go a very different way.

It seems that they really wanted to see the pictures of a dead terrorist, because nothing says patriotism like a man with holes in his face. Since you didn’t show us those pictures, America was forced to go watch a Tarantino movie to get our fill of gore.

Now, it’s being said that you weren’t tough enough on terrorism because you did not organize the “Check Out Dead Osama bin Laden 2011” world tour. I understand why you wouldn’t do that, though. You’re awfully busy and Ticketmaster can really be a pain to deal with.

Now you are forced to defend your decision to bury Osama bin Laden at sea in addition to your decision to not show the pictures. At least, that’s what Yahoo news said in their article “Obama Defends bin Laden Sea Burial.” This is in addition to Al Qaeda (al Qaeda? al Qaida? al-Qa’ida?) saying that we are in very, very big trouble now.

It seems there is no pleasing some people.

Since everyone seems to want to be mad at you no matter what happens, why not push it to the extreme? Just go ahead and do whatever you want.

For example, instead of that drab white for the White House, why not a nice blue? Blue is a relaxing color. People enjoy it. While you’re at it, how about cherry red for Air Force 1? Throw some chrome on that bad boy and we’re the envy of every other nation.

Why don’t you host a press conference declaring the greatness of Abraham Lincoln, then force a measure into a new bill that dictates all politicians must wear stovepipe hats? Chinstrap beards are optional, but if you choose not to grow one, you are required to wear a fake one (and, yes, that goes for women too).

How about having the grass in front of the White House turned into a go cart course? That would also benefit the country because imagine how much people would pay to go cart with the president. That’s cash straight into the government’s pocket.

These are just a few ideas to consider.

In closing, I do have one favor to ask.

Can I look at the picture? Just a peak. I won’t tell anyone about it or anything. If people ask, I’ll keep my answers vague like, “he had a beard in the picture.”

Let me know what you think.





P.S. Congratulations on finding your birth certificate, by the way. Now that you have it, people should really leave you alone.


2 thoughts on “Dear Barack Obama

  1. I hit random post and it took me here. I agree 100% with everything you said.. except that birth certificate thing. I mean, I’m sure no one ran a background check on the guy at any point to verify where he was born before he became the freaking president. Instead, we should totally require him to produce the long form birth certificate that Hawaii doesn’t even use.

    *sigh* people are dumb. that is all. :/


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