Welcome to my blog. I assume that, since you are reading this, you have gotten online today. Either that or you have unauthorized paper copies of my blog posts. If that is the case, I am very disappointed in your tree useage.
Since we’ve established you are currently online right this instance, I’m going to ask you to look at the front page of Yahoo. Notice anything?
It seems the only two things happening in the world today are the royal wedding and the NFL draft.
This has lead to the battle of the ages, with people fighting over what to talk about.
In one corner, you have Mel Kiper, Jr., his big board of draft picks, and several college football players. In the other corner, you have a balding prince and his blushing bride.
(Sidenote: Can anyone explain the phrase blushing bride? I have never seen a bride blush. In fact, the only things I can think of that could lead a bride to blushing is a toast by a drunk relative or a Janet Jackson-esque wardrobe malfunction.)
Proponents of the royal wedding claim it is more important because of its once-in-a-lifetimeiness (because of the royal aspect, not the wedding). Also it is proof that all you have to do to marry a more attractive person is be in an incredibly important position of power, also known as “The Trump Theorem.”
“Big stinking whoop,” says every sports nerd in America. The NFL draft is super-important because you have to know what rookie is going to underperform for the Bengals this year. Plus, how are you going to complain about your favorite team’s management if you don’t know what their choice was?
Of course, a major deciding factor would be the entertainment value of the TV viewing.
Unfortunately, neither event is even remotely entertaining. For the draft, you have Jon Gruden looking like Chuckie while he gestured wildly about an offensive lineman no one has ever heard of. The main entertainment factor was the booing of Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner, every single time he walked onto stage. While that does make it more entertaining than some PBS programming, it is not enough to make you want to watch.
The Royal Wedding took place in the middle of the night. I don’t know if it was entertaining because I was asleep. I’m going to assume no, though, because all people want to talk about are Kate Middleton’s dress. Dresses are BORING!
Hopefully, the royal family has taken note. The only thing that rivals the importance of their weddings in the eyes of the world is sports.
Here is what I propose. For Prince Harry’s wedding, none of this boring, “What dress will she wear? Who’s going to be invited? Blah, blah, blah tiara?” junk. That is a total snoozefest.
Instead, treat his marriage like the NFL draft.
First, a combine where all of the potential brides show their various athletic skills that would make them excellent royalty. This would include their posture, waving skills, and hat balancing.
Then, the night of the wedding, Prince Harry has fifteen minutes to select whom he wants for a bride. When he announces, she gets a jersey AND a crown.
Now, that’s an event people would talk about.