The Royal Wedding: The Greatest Event in History

The world has gone completely mad. Crazy, bonkers, berserk, nutso. For some reason, we have all fixated our incredibly short attention spans on one event.

The Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kathryn “That commoner marrying a royal figurehead” Middleton.

Now, I must preface anything I’m about to say with one simple disclosure: I am a man. I did not grow up dreaming of a wedding, princesses, princess weddings, or anything of the sort. Because of this, I have very little understanding of the spell of fascination that royalty casts upon little girls. This spell is strong enough that even as these girls grow to be wonderful ladies (Or terrible, disgusting ladies, too. I’m not going to exclude anybody here.), they are still mesmerized by the thoughts of a castle and a prince.

(I attribute much of my lack of interest in the royal family to my dislike of hats. I never have enjoyed hats and crowns just look like incredibly uncomfortable and heavy hats. Therefore, you can blame my oversized cabeza for this post.)

Yesterday, I sat watching the news. Rest assured I’m not one of those “elite” people who like to keep up on current events. The evening news is the only way for me to find out what’s going on with Charlie Sheen without being forced to listen to those terrible people on TMZ editorialize about it. I want my Sheen news accurate and without a bias, you liberal media.

In the middle of the newscast, a spot normally reserved for murders of the lowest importance, the network news anchor launches into a story. His voice immediately boomed and echoed, as if something of great importance was about to spew from his lips.

It seems… David and Victoria Beckham are invited to the wedding!

I know! What are they thinking?! Everyone knows Vicky (as her close friends call her) hogs the hors d’oeuvres and David can’t resist kicking things to “show how strong his bloody legs still are.”

That was not the only news we had though. The other big reveal was… Elton John might sing a song! They didn’t say, but I bet he might play the piano, too!

Now (and I must refer you to my preface if you are going to be offended by what I have to say), who really cares? I’ve been in a wedding before. I enjoyed it and I am happy I married my wife. She is the greatest person I have ever known (that statement is legally mandated by my wife’s lawyers).

With that said, I did not care THAT much about my own wedding. In fact, and I bet at least 50% of husbands will agree with this statement, I was ready for the wedding thing to be over because our reception didn’t have a meal, but rather was loaded with snacks. Snacks are notorious for not being great meals, so I was hungry enough to eat the marriage certificate. Our first stop as a married couple was Burger King.

If that is my attitude about my own wedding, why in the name of all that is good and holy would I care about a wedding for another country’s prince? A prince that is strictly a prince in title alone and has very little political clout?

At this point, even Prince William is probably saying, “Can’t we just elope, mum? I don’t want to go through this royal wedding poppy-cock.”

So, I say to you, Prince William, just do it. Grab some of that royal wealth (which I assume is a stockpile of golden relics in a room off of Buckingham Palace), buy two tickets to Vegas, and get married there.

There is nothing more regal than being married by “the King” himself. Plus, everyone knows Kate’s favorite song is “Heartbreak Hotel,” not entirely appropriate for a wedding, but what Kate wants, Kate gets.

You can even get a nice penthouse suite while you’re there. You are, after all, a famous prince. Being famous has its advantages, not that I know from experience.

Imagine how stuffy the original wedding plans are. Now imagine the freedom, the weight melting off your shoulders, the gambling that you aren’t allowed to do at the palace because the Queen “has a problem with throwing away money on the ponies.”

Oh, I almost forgot about the biggest benefit of all! How foolish of me.

I wouldn’t have to hear anymore about your stupid wedding.

Enjoy your impending nuptials.


3 thoughts on “The Royal Wedding: The Greatest Event in History

  1. We don’t have regular tv and so we don’t watch the news any longer. I can easily bypass stuff on the front newspage of the internet, unless something catches my eye. Seriously, I get a notion of what’s happening by your reporting…and I much prefer your spin on things vs. E-entertainment, etc.

    When we were both laid off, we had to cut costs and so tv/cable went except the cable we needed for our computers and to look for work.

    We tired of popping on the news to get wind of 5 atrocious murders, drive bys, or a low speed chase/high speed chase or wild fires that take over the entire network and everything is the same. How’s the fire? HOT, DAMN HOT! like it was 3 hours ago and people are still being forced to evacuate. Dumb asses that refuse to leave!



  2. Someone’s bitter! Haha.

    To explain the female fascination with weddings, women measure success by relationships, where men measure success with money and a career. I mean, yes, there are women who don’t care about relationships, but I think most of us girls feel like, “we made it” when we get that ring on our finger and locked the guy down. It’s the ultimate relationship. So, to most girl’s standards, it’s success, whether women like to admit it or not.

    I mean, yes, women now can view careers and other things as successes, but, when you’re a little girl and you get all those fairy tales stuffed down your throat and the female role models as a kid is some blond chick getting the prince, it gets ingrained in your head.

    I don’t really hear about the wedding much, maybe turn off the TV? Haha. It’ll be over before you know it and it’ll be back to Lohan or whatever else a crazy celebrity might be doing. At least it’s somewhat historic. Even if you don’t think so. 😉


  3. I don’t know…I think its all those fairy tales with Princes and castles! Shrek didn’t help too (if you could just get past the fact the princess was green and an orge!)


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