Help! I’m Stuck With The Devil’s Toothbrush!

Evil. Pure evil.

The nightmare began last summer.

It was late July and an outdoor movie in the delightful burg of Lawrence, Kansas was in the plans for my wife and me. We arrived early that evening and were treated to a mediocre band playing through a mediocre sound system as we sat on ground that felt like concrete.

After about an hour of sitting on the ground and cursing the people wise enough to bring lawn chairs, a man grabbed a microphone from the band.

“Thank you for coming out,” he said. “We’re going to have a great time, but first we have some prizes to give away.”

At this point, I went back to plotting the theft of a lawn chair. I don’t remember ever winning anything in my life. I did win candy at my grade school carnival, but I’m fairly certain all the kids did, so that hardly counts. Stealing a chair, though, could be kind of like winning…

He reached the final prize. “Nathan Ba..Brad..Bradley.”

While that is not my name, I assumed that it was close enough to count. I walked to the front, hoping that I had won a new car or a vacation to Europe. Maybe a lawn chair.

It was an electric toothbrush.

Now, you can tell you aren’t the luckiest person in the world when your grand prize promotes oral hygiene. You never hear of a lottery winner taking home a year’s supply of Scope. So, knowing full well how my luck works, I should have been prepared for what is now happening.

My toothbrush is possessed.

For months, this toothbrush worked fine. Nothing was wrong with it. I would clean my teeth with it, then put it down and forget about it entirely until the next time I wanted to de-scum my teeth.

It was very good at its job. I would put toothpaste on it and put it in my mouth and it would make me less disgusting. It was, in fact, the perfect relationship (For a man and toothbrush. I don’t condone putting toothpaste on a loved one).

Lately, though, things have changed.

It started one day a couple weeks ago. I went to brush my teeth and the toothbrush did not turn on. In a ranking of disasters, this is definitely towards the bottom of the list, right next to an escalator breaking down and becoming a staircase. I just brushed my teeth and thought nothing about it.

It continued to act like a regular toothbrush for the next couple of days, so I packed it up and got my normal toothbrush out.

That evening, a sound crept into my living room. At first I thought nothing of it. The nearby train tracks usually host strange noises. The train never passed, though.

I bravely ventured upstairs, tracking the sound to the linen closet. Through the closet’s darkness, I could see the faint green glow of its light.

The toothbrush was on.

I turned it off and went back downstairs, thinking nothing about it.

The next night, it did the same thing. Then that next day. Off and on this toothbrush goes, all under its own power.

Finally, the power display on the toothbrush said it was dead. I was happy to be done with it.

Except I wasn’t. Now it has started letting out a series of chirps and squeaks. It will start and continue to do this every few minutes. It’s enough to make a person go mad.

That is why I’m here to urge you to treat your toothbrush right. I may have used and abused this toothbrush, never showing it the affection it deserved. I blame myself for bringing this side of the toothbrush out.

It’s not too late for you, though. Go home, cook your toothbrush dinner and get it some flowers. Don’t skimp on the toothpaste. Make sure it’s the good stuff.

Please, show your toothbrush you appreciate its plaque removal skills. Show it all the love I never showed mine.

Most importantly, always remember if someone tries to give you a toothbrush, it probably is under demonic possession.

8 thoughts on “Help! I’m Stuck With The Devil’s Toothbrush!

  1. hilarious – a diabolical toothbrush. And it makes sense, too – you know the people who hand out toothbrushes and floss at halloween must be working for the devil 😛

    Like

  2. I’m so glad I just have a regular toothbrush! Have you thought of taking it to church or something? You know…I’m sure they could try some exorcism of the toothbrush variety on it…or something!

    Like

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