Your Authoritative Guide to Time’s Most Beautiful People

The authority in all things beautiful.

Get ready, folks. That time of year has arrived yet again. It’s time to prepare your self esteem for a heavy knock. Time to get out your pint of Haagen-Dazs and curl up on the couch, silently weeping into the bowl.

Time Magazine has announced the MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!*

I’m not too sure what gives Time Magazine the ultimate authority to name people the MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD! I don’t know if it was divine providence or a title they bestowed upon themselves, but every year they are able to locate all of the beautiful people in the world. Coincidentally, they are all celebrities who live in Los Angeles or New York, so their job is a lot easier than it sounds.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Self, why would I care about who Time Magazine feels is beautiful? It doesn’t seem too important to me.”

Well, it is important. These are your new standards of beauty. For the next year, you are able to measure yourself against the MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD and know where you stand. If you are able to become better looking than a member of the list, congratulations, you are beautiful. You are probably delusional also, because those people have Photoshop on their side.

To be able to accurately measure your beauty against the MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, one must follow these steps.

1. Don’t read the magazine in the grocery store.

I know you may want to flip through this magazine while you are waiting in the checkout line at your grocery store, but don’t. You will start feeling bad about yourself and never want to take the magazine home with you, thus making it impossible for you to make periodic checks on your beauty level. The pictures of six pack abs will also deter you from getting those Digiorno pizzas, which would be a shame. They’re 2 for $10, and that’s quite a bargain.

Resist the allure of Time Magazine for your grocery store entertainment and read Cosmopolitan’s 273 Ways To Make Your Guy Blush instead (Spoiler Alert: #127 involves roller skates and a team of trapeze artists).

2. Immediately critique the entries.

Every year, Time has a couple of questionable entries. For example, this year Dana Delaney made the top 15. Now, I’m not saying Dana Delaney is bad looking. In fact, she is quite pretty. Compared to the rest of the top 15, though, she looks like chewed up dog food.

You will want to measure your level of beauty against the weak link.

3. Find a terrible picture of the weak link.

The great thing about the internet is you can find anything. Literally anything. Jump on their and find the worst picture you can of the weak link.

4. Come to grips with reality.

After finding that picture, you will most likely realize they are still way better looking than you on your best day. You may want to scream and shout, perhaps punch a hole in the wall in fury. It’s okay. Just let it out. It’s bad to lock that anger inside.

5. Wait for next year.

After your fury has subsided, you will have nothing left to live for. Nothing to live for, that is, except for next year’s list of the MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. Surely next year you’ll be able to measure up.

Maybe somehow Danny Devito will make it on the list. You can definitely beat him.

*Phrases in all capitals are meant to be shouted at the top of your lungs, echoing throughout your neighborhood.

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