Applebee’s Gives Alcohol to Toddler: Why It Can’t Possibly Be Their Fault

Typical Applebee's in Coral Springs, FL.

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Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are gathered here today in the court of public opinion to cast judgment on a friend of yours and of mine. Surely you remember the many happy meals you’ve shared there, breaking bread with your family and loved ones. The smiles you have had on your face as you watched your Fiesta Lime Chicken or Chicken Fajita Wrap approach your table.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to talk about Applebee’s.

For decades, the mention of Applebee’s has brought to mind family dining at affordable prices. But now, this sacred institution is under attack.

For those who haven’t heard, my client, Applebee’s, is being accused of a terrible act, an act so heinous that they are now in what the restaurant business likes to call “deep doo-doo.” Yes, folks, in deep doo-doo for a mistake that could be deemed minor, but only by families who are used to frequent visits from social services.

It seems Applebee’s accidentally gave a minor an alcoholic beverage instead of the drink that was ordered.

Now, having myself worked in a restaurant in the past, I would like to turn a bright light onto these innocent actions of Applebee’s.

First of all, fake ID’s these days are very convincing. I’m sure this nere do well walked into this particular Applebee’s with fake ID in hand, ready to wreak havoc on the Applebee’s system of safety and security. Surely there was no stopping this young man from….

I’m sorry. My notes seem to say he was 18-months old. Maybe he looked very old for his age, or…

I’m being told he did not.

No matter. The person to blame is the mother. Words can easily be mistaken for other words, particularly in a loud and wonderfully friendly atmosphere like the one provided by my client. Perhaps when she ordered for him, she mumbled and said she wanted a Pepsi but it sounded like a Pabst beer, or something of that nature.

No, apparently she ordered an apple juice and received a margarita. Those don’t really sound anything alike.

Nevertheless, surely you can’t blame my client for a child getting an itty bitty tiny bit of alcohol in his system. It’s not as if he consumed an entire bottle of whiskey. No this child barely had any of this drink before…

Oh, I’m sorry. His alcohol level was .10. That seems fairly high.

But at least they didn’t allow the young man to drive. That has to count for something.

Okay, well… man this is a tough one to spin. Um, you know how a little bit of alcohol can prevent heart disease? Yeah, I knew that was a stupid argument as it came out.

How about this? My client will retrain its entire staff. They’ll create a whole new training video called, “How to Not Serve Alcohol to Toddlers” and force everyone to watch it. I think that should be punishment enough.

I think we can all agree the last thing we want is for our court system to be clogged up with yet another lawsuit, right? I mean, court is super-boring, so no one should waste their time trying to sue Applebee’s. There are so many better things to do than sit in court all day, like, for instance, watch a delightful rerun of the Cosby Show. Boy, are those Huxtables entertaining. They sure are a lot more entertaining than some boring old lawsuit.

Please don’t sue us. Please.

I think I better rest my case now before I do more damage to it.

8 thoughts on “Applebee’s Gives Alcohol to Toddler: Why It Can’t Possibly Be Their Fault

  1. Lucky! I wish someone gave me a margarita when I was 18-months old. It sure would have helped with the whole teething ordeal I was going through at the time.


  2. Aside from taking measures to make sure this never, ever happens again, I think Applebee’s should consider footing the bill for the breathalyzer/ignition interlock on the lad’s Tonka truck and give him a coupon redeemable for one kickin’ 18th (year) first-birthday-legally-allowed-to-drink party for him and his friends.


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