If you have read the news in the last few weeks, you know that Charlie Sheen has gone on a nationwide tour. After reading that magnificent tome, if you turned to the page that houses actual news, you would have found a crazy political story.
It seems that our two political parties (the Dimocrats and the Republican’ts) are playing a fun game called “Make a Budget” (suitable for ages four and up). Neither one of them is very good at it, however, so we still have no idea how to spend our money.
The two parties have been fighting for weeks over this, with the Democrats complaining about the Republican’s budget calling for “$800 million for waterslides and partying,” and the Republican’s unhappy about the Democrat’s proposal to “Buy everyone an iPad because they’re super-sweet.” All of this bickering means one thing.
Come Saturday, we may have no government.
That is why, right now, I would like to nominate myself for leader of the United States of America. Someone has to be in charge while we have no real governing body, and I have many ideas to improve this country. First on the table would be changing that ridiculous name (United States of America? More like Boring States of Borerica.)
After that, there are several issues to focus on.
One major issue the good old USA has had consistently for years is its international standing. We feel like we are really good people and are happy to help out other countries. The other countries think we are, to put it gently, big butt-faces who can’t mind our own business. Plus, we don’t like soccer, so that’s another huge knock against us.
There is only one thing that could make this better.
Host an international pizza party.
Gather up all of the United Nations and invite them to the White House for a pizza party. Don’t skimp on the toppings either. If Ghana wants Meat Lovers, you better bring the Meat Lovers. No one can turn down pizza, and if you throw in some ice cream, all the leaders will be shouting the tales of our generosity from the roof tops.
Another major issue is the national deficit. Currently the USA owes $500 Quaptillion to everyone ranging from China to some guy named Joe in Des Moines. How would one get these people to forgive our debts?
Bet the people we owe money to double or nothing.
Make sure to find something that we are clearly better at then, for instance, China. For the sake of finding an example, we’ll go with eating. Now, we know we are better at eating then China. We’re better at eating than everyone. The first step in this plan would be pumping up their confidence, giving China some serious hubris. It would go something like this:
“Oh, hey China, that food looks really good.”
“Yeah. It sure is. I could eat a whole ton of it.”
“Yeah. I bet you could.”
Once China has become overconfident, bet them, but make it look like it is their idea.
“My country could probably eat more of that food than any country in the entire world.”
“Yeah. Probably. We really like food so….”
“I bet we could eat way more.”
“I don’t know, China….”
“I will bet you $100, USA.”
“We already owe you a whole bunch of money, China. Plus we aren’t really a gambling country…”
“Fine. Double or nothing on your debt.”
After that, all that’s left is the actually competition. That should be the easiest part of this plan.
One of the biggest issues in America right now is unemployment. Studies show only 2 out of every 10 people have jobs right now and only 1 of those people actually like their jobs. The other 8 are at home watching Judge Joe Brown and debating whether or not to shower today (spoiler alert: they don’t).
How could we find jobs for 300 million people? It’s simple.
Build a tower to the moon.
There has been a large amount of doubt about whether we really landed on the moon in 1969. Conspiracy theorists say we didn’t. Some other people say we did. A majority of the people say, “I don’t really know what happened in ‘69. Hey, what are we having for dinner? I’m really hungry. I only had a light salad for lunch, so we should eat soon, but whatever is fine with me.”
Since (supposedly) landing on the moon boosted morale during the Cold War, imagine how much morale would be boosted if we built a tower to the moon. It would be a lot. Also, it takes a lot of manpower to build a tower into space. This would create numerous jobs for decades.
We would, however, want to make it abundantly clear that we are NOT building a tower to heaven. Last time someone did that, the whole tower of Babel thing happened, and that turned into a big mess. I don’t think that a tower to the moon should insult God.
Yes, with me at the helm, there is no way things could go poorly. Or they might. These are, after all, just theories. Terrific theories, but still just theories.
Of course, if you think they are bad ideas, maybe you should just compromise and pass a budget instead of fighting over every little thing, eh senators? Otherwise, I might end up in charge.
Is that really a risk you’re willing to take?