Recently, I had one of my little “writing thingys” named Freshly Pressed by WordPress. For those of you who don’t know what that means, it means WordPress put this on the front page of the website, causing people who may or may not like (most likely not) to swarm my page.
In said post, I referenced the greatest American sport of all time: skeeball. I assumed that the mere mention of skeeball would play on prior knowledge that everyone held. Apparently, I was incredibly wrong. I had many comments asking me to explain what skeeball was.
The following is my attempt to capture the joy of skeeball in words. Also, hopefully the NSAOAS (National Skeeball Association of American Skeeballers, and no I don’t know if that is a real thing) would name me an ambassador for the game, eventually inducting me into the Skeeball of Fame (wordplay!).
I remember, as a child, hearing people refer to baseball as “The American Pastime ©.” I also remember three quarters of my friends complaining about how slow baseball was and how they were bored.
Now, granted, these children were whiny. They also complained about the cafeteria food we were served because it “didn’t taste like meat” or because there was “mold on my hamburger bun.”
Clearly, though, there is no pleasing some people.
That is why I would like to nominate a new game as The American Pastime ©. A game that captures the hearts and imganiations of children and adults alike. A game so great that the mere mention of it can incite a riot, at least at Chuck E. Cheese.
I’m talking about skeeball.
Skeeball began in Philadelphia. The year was 1909. The Spanish American war was coming to a close, Karl Landsteiner was busy at work developing a system of blood grouping, and an earthquake in the Zagreb area lead Andrija Mohorovičić to identifying the Mohorovičić discontinuity. Not to be outdone, and most likely confused by the preceding events, J. Dickinson Este set to work creating a new game.
The game was to be played as follows: First, the player picks up a ball. This ball is to be small enough to fit into your palm, but heavy enough to be able to hurt your toe if dropped on it. The player than rolls this dense ball down a wooden lane that ends with a ramp, causing the ball to fly at a series of holes and scoring points for whichever hole the ball manages to go into.
After the game has ended, the player recieves tickets according to how they scored. These tickets can be traded in for great prizes, but most likely will be traded in for a pencil eraser or plastic bracelet.
This has been the way it has been played for the last 100 years. It is the purest game known to mankind, so pure that it can be played by children and drunk adults.
That is why skeeball should be the new The American Pastime ©. There has never been a reason to be worried about steroids in skeeball. No one has ever had to sit through a skeeball strike, probably because of the lack of leagues, but I like to think it is because skeeballers are content with their pencil erasers and plastic toys. Also, it helps that most of the players are under ten.
Yes, skeeball is as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it causes. I think we can all agree that skeeball is the new American Pasttime ©.
There. I feel that adequately explains skeeball. If there are still questions, there is no reason to be ashamed. You were probably busy learning important things as a kid and not trying to get a wooden ball in a hole. I, clearly, was not.
- It Sucks to Grow Up: The Birthday Edition (badlandsbadley.wordpress.com)
- Found: There are no pennies in these copper-colored canyons (pennykept.wordpress.com)