Google Ignores Topeka’s Desperate Attempt at Relevance

I’m addicted to information. Honestly, I don’t know how I would have survived if I lived in a time when I had to open books to find things out. I mean, come on, books?

Fortunately, I live in the internet age. Anything I want to know is at my fingertips at all times. I can look things up on my computer or my phone. In fact, if they invented a chip that, once implanted in your brain, allowed you to access Wikipedia at all times, I would be tempted to partake.

Sure, this addiction may not be good for those around me. For example the other night, my wife and I were enjoying the 1981 Dudley Moore film Arthur. I may or may not have interrupted her enjoyment of the film multiple times with Wikipedia tidbits such as “Dudley Moore was only 5’2”.” While I found this fact to be fascinating, mostly because Moore would have been one of the few men I would tower over, she did not. I’m very surprised I didn’t get hit.

So, imagine my joy when, yesterday, Google announced plans to put in an ultra high-speed internet service near my home in Kansas City. Just imagine the possibilities. I could find out the height of any actor in half of the time it normally takes me. There are also other things I could do, but the height thing seems like the most important.

Not everyone is happy that Kansas City is receiving this, however.

You might have heard of Topeka, Kansas. It is the capital of Kansas. It is also one of the least pleasant cities I have ever been to (If you are from Topeka, I apologize, but be honest with yourself. You don’t like it either).

Topeka wanted this internet service. They wanted it badly. So badly, in fact, that they made were willing to make themselves look like that needy person that everyone has dated (if you didn’t date someone like this, bad news: you were the needy one). This internet setup would almost be cool enough to offset everything else in Topeka that makes in unpleasant. This is exactly what they needed.

So, what is a city to do to woo a large company such as Google?

The answer is simple: change your city name. Change it to Google.

For an entire month, Topeka became Google, Kansas. I’m not saying they became Google as a sort of nickname. The City Council voted to actually legally change the name.

Now, the entire city of Topeka is furious. They are livid. This is probably the closest America has come to Civil War since 1988 when a bakery in South Carolina claimed to have the best New York style bagels in America. We narrowly escaped what would have been called The Spartanburg Diner Massacre.

Topeka mayor Bill Bunten sent out a battle cry to all the Topekans in the world:

“I’m a practical man. I thought we would just love to have been chosen, but I don’t think ‘disappointed’ is the word,” Bunten angrily seethed to CNN. “We’re happy that it’s coming to Kansas and we’re close enough to Kansas City that, if they expand, why, the possibility that we could be involved in that would probably be enhanced.”

Can’t you just feel the fury in the man’s speech?

So, as much as I love the idea of an internet service that will allow me to look up character actor Noah Beery, Jr. faster (he was on The Rockford Files), I must appeal to Google.

Please don’t cause a war with the Topekans. I’ve met several people from Topeka and they are terrifying. I don’t want to have to fight them.

Until you take care of this Google, I will be hunkered down in my panic room waiting for the inevitable fight between the West-Midwest and the East-Midwest.

(Editor’s note: All facts in this article are provided by Wikipedia, the world’s best volunteer written encyclopedia. Wikipedia: Guaranteed to be 61% accurate.)


7 thoughts on “Google Ignores Topeka’s Desperate Attempt at Relevance

  1. Please don’t cause a war with the Topekans. I’ve met several people from Topeka and they are terrifying. I don’t want to have to fight them.


    I don’t know anyone from there…but that was freaking funny.


  2. That’s like being into a particular girl and she says she likes guys named Tom but your name is Nathan. So you go to the courthouse and fill out the necessary paperwork and have your name officially changed to Tom. Then the next time you see her, you’re all excited to tell her your new name, and there she is with another dude (named Tom of course). Tough break Topeka…she was a slut anyway!


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