Jose and Ozzie Canseco Teach Us About Twins

Okay, kids. Today we’re going to be learning a very special lesson. We’re learning about twins! (Yea!)

Twins are two kids that are born at the same time. Scientifically, the way it works is the stork works extra super hard and carries two babies instead of one. Then he drops them both off at the same place before adjourning to the nearest bar to try to get rid of the stress of carrying two babies (the stork has a fairly serious drinking problem).

Sometimes twins look the same. These are called “identical twins.” Other times, they look very different. This is called a set of twins that people don’t really care that much about.

If you are having trouble understanding what this means, that’s okay. We’re here to learn.

An example of identical twins would be Jose and Ozzie Canseco.

(Fun Twin Fact: The Octomom had eight babies at one time. That’s like having four sets of twins, or, as most people call it, a fate worse than death!)

Since Jose and Ozzie are identical twins, they are able to play funny tricks on people. This last weekend, for example, Jose was supposed to go to a celebrity boxing event. See, Jose used to make a lot of money playing baseball, but then he used a lot of steroids and now no one wants to give him money, so he has to take it where he can get it.

Since Jose didn’t really want to get hit in the face, he talked his brother into going for him. See, the two of them look exactly the same, so no one would ever notice the difference!

(Fun Twin Fact: Even though the Minnesota baseball team is named the Twins, they let people who aren’t twins play for them!)

This plan would have worked very well for the Cansecos except for one thing: they didn’t look exactly like each other anymore. When Ozzie showed up, Jose’s faithful celebrity boxing fans immediately noticed his tattoos were different then the former baseball player’s.

Activity Time: Identify the differences between these two twins!

Since the fans all had Jose Canseco in their Fantasy Celebrity Boxing League, the crowd became very angry and nearly started a riot. In fact, the only thing that calmed the crowd slightly is promoter Damon Feldman offered them free tickets to see Dustin “I’m Screech from Saved By The Bell and that is the only reason anyone, including my own mom, knows who I am” Diamond. Fans were relieved to find out Dustin Diamond has no twin, so they held off the rioting.

(Fun Twin Fact: Robin and Maurice Gibb of the BeeGee’s were twins! Based on this fact, we can deduce that twins refuse to make good music!)

So remember kids, twins are just like us, except they look exactly the same as each other and one of them used to be a successful baseball player.

Review Questions:

1. Twins look like each other. (True or False)

2. People who can identify the tattoos of Jose Canseco on sight are sad. (True or False)

3. Essay: Imagine you were a twin. What kind of shenanigans would you get yourselves into? (Be creative)

4. If one twin leaves Palm Beach going North and the other leaves Toronto going South, at what point do the twins start getting blamed for the other’s shenanigans?

5 thoughts on “Jose and Ozzie Canseco Teach Us About Twins

  1. Pingback: This Blogger is Bad | Ahhsome

  2. This was a VERY entertaining, informative, and scientific study on the subject of twins. (Perhaps a little too scientific for my poor, non-steroid enhanced pea-sized brain. For my sake, could you please “dumb-down” future posts so I can follow along? Thanks!)

    Aside from being ultra-entertaining, this blog bit was also pretty darn comprehensive. The only thing I didn’t see addressed was the “evil twin” concept, as in: “No, I did not steal your last beer from the refrigerator. It must have been my evil twin.”

    Or as in . . .

    JOSE CANSECO: “No, I did not tarnish your individual pitching statistics by the use of steroids or any other performance-enhancing chemicals. It must have been my evil twin, Mark McGwire. Or maybe it was McGwire’s evil twin, Sammy Sosa. Perhaps even Sosa’s evil twin, Barry Bonds. But at any rate, it wasn’t me! I HAVE NEVER USED STEROIDS! PERIOD! …Oh, wait, that wasn’t MY line; that line belonged to Barry’s evil twin, Rafael Palmeiro.”

    Hey, Sandi’s right: you write great stuffs!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’


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