Being a singer must be difficult. Not because of the amount of work, but more because they seem to be incapable of controlling their stupid impulses. Take, for instance, Chris Brown.
When we last left Chris Brown, he was eagerly trying to redeem his name, a name tarnished by the devastating proof of violence against America’s sweetheart, Rihanna (I challenge you to tell me she isn’t. She has been featured in enough songs in the last year to fill an entire iPod. An iPod I would get very tired of listening to, but an iPod nonetheless).
The pictures of Rihanna were everywhere. They were gruesome. An entire group of America became incensed with Chris Brown, tweeting things such as “OMG. Chris Brown is totally a bad person. Woow!!!- honeygirl76” (The preceeding was a simulated tweet. Any resemblance to actual tweets or tweeters is a tweetincidence. That means twitter coincidence, for those who don’t speak twitter).
Since beating women generally tends to make a guy look like a stupid insensitive jerk, Chris Brown fought these stereotypes the best way he could: He went on national tv (if BET counts as national) and cried.
Of course, since Brown had been labeled a big stupid insensitive jerk, people began debating the sincerity of this action. Some people went as far as saying he had sprayed his eyes to get the tears flowing. Others asked, “Why are we talking about this? Who is Chris Brown? Does he play for the Patriots? Oh, he’s a singer? What did he sing? I’ve never heard of that. Could you talk about this somewhere else? I’m trying to read about something important like the war in Iraq and you are very distracting.”
Chris Brown has continued on his “I’m not violent, honest!” tour, landing on “Good Morning, America” yesterday. He performed a song from his new album, titled F.A.M.E., an acronym meaning Forgot About Making Eggdrop soup, a concept album about a cook in the Peking Dragon, a New York Chinese restaurant. Afterwards, he was interviewed.
At this point, Brown’s publicist pulled him aside and said, “Don’t hit anything. You have gone a whole month without hitting things. Keep it going buddy.”
During the interview, things were going well for all of twenty seconds. Then, Robin Roberts started actually asking question. She, naturally, asked what everyone wanted to know about.
After concluding what will go down as one of the most awkward interviews in recent memory (excluding every Charlie Sheen interview), Brown went to his dressing room. His publicist finally breathed a sigh of relief after seeing Robin Roberts had escaped the interview without being hit.
That was until he saw the makeup people running from Chris Brown’s dressing room.
Since the best way to unwind after a stressful interview is by punching things, it seems Brown decided to pick a fight with his dressing room window. Judging by the pictures, the window took Chris Brown’s shirt and made fun of his tattoos. Brown had no choice but to punch said window then flee down the street shirtless while tweeting that he was “done with the past.”
Since everyone else is not done with the past, Good Morning America has invited Chris Brown back on to discuss his violence towards defenseless women and defenseless windows. To avoid a repeat of this last appearance, I have made Chrissy a nice cheat sheet to use for such appearances:
#1 Be nice to the interviewer
#2 Seriously, Chris, be nice to the interviewer
#3 Expect questions about Rihanna. Your main claim to fame is you hit a woman who is more famous than you. That is probably going to come up in conversation.
#4 Steer the question towards other subjects. I recommend discussing foreign policy, last night’s episode of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, or your shoe’s arch support.
#5 If you are unsuccessful at changing the topic of conversation, fake narcolepsy. They can’t interview you if you aren’t awake.
#6 Leave your shirt on.
#7 Continue to be nice to the interviewer
#8 Don’t punch things.
#9 Don’t punch that either, Chris. That is also off limits.
#10 When done on GMA, only tweet the following: “Done with GMA. @robinroberts is the best. Now, off to buy a new hat. Thinking a fedora….#sweetnewheadgear”
If you follow my list, people immediately forget about you being a violent abusive person. Or at least, they will be distracted for a minute.
Especially if you tweet about that fedora. People love their hats.
- Details about Chris Brown’s ‘GMA’ flip out over Rihanna (hollywoodnews.com)
- Robin Roberts Responds To Chris Brown’s ‘GMA’ Outburst (huffingtonpost.com)
- Chris Brown Update. (whatyourname.wordpress.com)
- Chris Brown is Mad at Good Morning America (divamission.wordpress.com)