The iPhone Does More Than Just Play Angry Birds. It Cures Gay People.

Steve Jobs shows off iPhone 4 at the 2010 Worl...

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Since the iPhone was launched you’ve heard it over 100,000,000 times (I may be exaggerating, but I don’t feel like I am).

“There’s an app for that.”

Before I tell you why I’ve brought this up, I would like to say thank you to you, Steve Jobs. You have allowed your marketing department to permeate our culture so much, that a common joke (among people I hate) is “There’s an app for that.” Then they laugh, oh, how they laugh. It really has become this generation’s “Where’s the beef?”

Without this phrase and others like it, many people would be forced to come up with their own dialogue. Fortunately for them, you have marketing people there to write their every conversation for them.

While I have you here for a second, what’s up with the turtleneck? You always have a black turtleneck. You must own thousands of turtlenecks. If there is ever a turtleneck shortage in the world, the government would contact you and ask you to release the turtleneck reserves. You would probably just say no, and then start selling them in the Apple Store for fifteen times the price of the average turtleneck.

I seem to have digressed.

Even though I seem to have strong feelings against the phrase “There’s an app for that,” it actually seems to be completely true.

The organization, Exodus International, recently decided they should modernize themselves. They finally splurged and bought one of those new computer thingies. While on this modern computing device, they discovered an even more modern thing: an iPhone. They quickly clicked order on the screen and waited for it to pop out of the printer.

After a couple of frustrating days on the help screen, the iPhone showed up to their door. They used it to make phone call after phone call, in hopes of growing their religious group, before realizing these phone calls weren’t any more effective than the ones they had been making before.

That’s when they discovered it.

It glowed brightly, like a thousand suns, but a lot dimmer. They had stumbled upon the app store.

Suddenly, their phone was able to do anything. They could type, they could create PowerPoint presentations, and they could shoot birds from a sling shot at green pigs, all from their phone.

Dietrich Von Exodus, the head of the Exodus Organization, came to a realization. They needed to create an app. An app so grandiose that it would change the world. An app that was no more than 99 cents because anything over that is ridiculous.

The Exodus International app.

This might be a good time to mention that Exodus International is an organization whose sole purpose is to straighten out the crooked among us.

They fix gay people.

Exodus International had created what is being called the “gay cure” app. By downloading this app onto your iPhone, you can easily look up events to send your gay son or daughter to in the hopes that they will immediately find the nearest person of the opposite gender and become each other’s soul mates.

Now, people are fighting this app the only way they know how: online petitions. has thousands of people signing their online petition to make Steve Jobs remove this app from his app store.

I don’t know your personal beliefs. I don’t feel like your personal beliefs are relevant to this story. This story makes me ask one simple question.

Why don’t we just leave each other alone?

It seems simple enough. Exodus, you stop picking on gay people. They don’t like it when you tell them they can be counseled. If they seek you out, you can help them all you want, but don’t seek them out. That isn’t your job., just don’t download their app. If you ignore it instead of giving it more publicity by having worthless online petitions about it posted everywhere, it will eventually be just another app in thousands of apps that no one pays any attention to.

Whatever you think, I think we can all agree on one thing.

Turtlenecks are stupid, even on you, Steve Jobs.


6 thoughts on “The iPhone Does More Than Just Play Angry Birds. It Cures Gay People.

  1. I stumbled upon your site, ironically NOT by using Stumbleupon. Anyway, the turleneck thing had me rolling man. Hilarious. I’ll be snooping through the rest of your stuff here if you don’t mind. Feel free to snoop through mine if you’d like. I think you’ll find a little humor here and there.


  2. I had no idea you were so anti-turtle neck, which for a person who is always cold like me, the mainstay of the winter wardrobe. I don’t have any particular fondness for Steve Jobs, but let the man have his turtlenecks. Maybe his illness makes him cold.

    Bravo on your tolerant views BTW. “Let’s all leave each other alone” could be the new “There’s an app for that” if you can just get big time marketers to promote it for you.


    • I try to be tolerant. I don’t really feel like it’s my job to correct people on their behavior because, let’s face it, I am not a perfet person myself.

      I, however, refuse to be tolerant to turtlenecks. It’s like a comedian once said, “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day long.”


  3. “…they could shoot birds from a sling shot at green pigs”

    All I could think is “green pigs?” and the rest of your article I kept thinking Green Eggs and Ham, Sam I am…

    and yes, turtle necks are stupid and get in the way! I could the bigger ones getting food stuck in them. Wait a minute, I think there’s a raisin in here somewhere! Oh, a Doritio- bonus!

    Sandi 🙂


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