As I began to peruse my daily news today, my eyes immediately jumped to an article about Sammy Hagar. You might remember Sammy Hagar as 99% of America’s second favorite Van Halen singer (if you like Gary Cherone better, I assume you know nothing about music, therefore you do not count in my statistics).
While in the middle of an interview with MTV about Hagar’s latest project, which I assume was partying on a remote island, Hagar told the interviewer about dreams he frequently had.
Dreams about aliens.
The interviewer did the next thing any interviewer would do: laughed at Hagar and ask if that is true, all the while wondering why he has never seen Hagar without sunglasses on.
Sammy Hagar went on to tell the interviewer about his belief that aliens have used wireless devices to upload and download files with his brain. He now claims his head is full of confusing PowerPoint presentations about intergalactic travel and family photos taken on Mars.
While reading this, one thing came to mind. Why would the aliens choose Sammy Hagar’s brain? We all know it can’t be running at 100%. Probably 40% if he is lucky.
I became increasingly insulted that this man had been chosen before me. My rage boiled over to the point that I had no other option.
I had to write a letter.
This is my letter to the aliens. Apparently, USPS doesn’t deliver that far away, so if you have any ideas on how to get it to them, let me know.
I read an article today in which Sammy Hagar, the former Van Halen singer, claimed you tapped into his thoughts through a wireless connection. He says that you downloaded and uploaded things into and out of his brain as he slept.
I just wanted to put my name into consideration for your next experimental human brain computer. I refuse to believe that Sammy Hagar’s brain is more suited for your crazy alien experiments than my much superior and significantly less drug addled mind. That simply cannot be the world that I live in.
Before submitting my application, I would like to ask a few questions. First of all, was this before, after, or during his stint Van Halen? I only ask because I would like to know if Hagar’s talent is due to your experiments or in spite of them. Why, who could forget his voice in those classic, non-David Lee Roth, Van Halen songs, none of which spring to mind? If I could only garner a fraction of that charisma that I’m sure he had, this would be entirely worth it.
Secondly, will I still possess the ability to drive 55? Sometimes that is the speed limit, and I like to obey laws. I understand that is a problem Hagar has had in the past.
Lastly, is there any sort of compensation? Hagar has quite a bit more money than I do, but I feel that the least you could do is compensate me for my time and effort spent allowing you to probe my mind.
I want to thank you for your consideration in these matters. I have attached an application for you to look over.
Alien Brain Computer Application
Name: Nathan Badley Age: 23 and ¾ Weight: None of your business
Race: Caucasian, not that you need to know that, you racist aliens.
Past Experiences: Has seen ET, Independence Day, and many episodes of ALF
Qualifications: I have the ability to turn my brain on and off at will.
- Sammy Hagar Says He Was Abducted by Aliens (blippitt.com)
- Sammy Hagar Alien Abduction: Van Halen Star Kidnapped by UFO (nowpublic.com)
- Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens (shortformblog.tumblr.com)
- Sammy Hagar and the Aliens (nationalspacestudiescenter.wordpress.com)