Aliens Infiltrate Sammy Hagar’s Brain, Completely Ignore Mine

Sammy Hagar

Image via Wikipedia

As I began to peruse my daily news today, my eyes immediately jumped to an article about Sammy Hagar. You might remember Sammy Hagar as 99% of America’s second favorite Van Halen singer (if you like Gary Cherone better, I assume you know nothing about music, therefore you do not count in my statistics).

While in the middle of an interview with MTV about Hagar’s latest project, which I assume was partying on a remote island, Hagar told the interviewer about dreams he frequently had.

Dreams about aliens.

When I say aliens, I am not talking about “let’s build a wall around the entire state of Arizona to keep them out of here because they will take all of our jobs” aliens. I am talking space aliens.

The interviewer did the next thing any interviewer would do: laughed at Hagar and ask if that is true, all the while wondering why he has never seen Hagar without sunglasses on.

Sammy Hagar went on to tell the interviewer about his belief that aliens have used wireless devices to upload and download files with his brain. He now claims his head is full of confusing PowerPoint presentations about intergalactic travel and family photos taken on Mars.

While reading this, one thing came to mind. Why would the aliens choose Sammy Hagar’s brain? We all know it can’t be running at 100%. Probably 40% if he is lucky.

I became increasingly insulted that this man had been chosen before me. My rage boiled over to the point that I had no other option.

I had to write a letter.

This is my letter to the aliens. Apparently, USPS doesn’t deliver that far away, so if you have any ideas on how to get it to them, let me know.

Dear Aliens,

I read an article today in which Sammy Hagar, the former Van Halen singer, claimed you tapped into his thoughts through a wireless connection. He says that you downloaded and uploaded things into and out of his brain as he slept.

I just wanted to put my name into consideration for your next experimental human brain computer. I refuse to believe that Sammy Hagar’s brain is more suited for your crazy alien experiments than my much superior and significantly less drug addled mind. That simply cannot be the world that I live in.

Before submitting my application, I would like to ask a few questions. First of all, was this before, after, or during his stint Van Halen? I only ask because I would like to know if Hagar’s talent is due to your experiments or in spite of them. Why, who could forget his voice in those classic, non-David Lee Roth, Van Halen songs, none of which spring to mind? If I could only garner a fraction of that charisma that I’m sure he had, this would be entirely worth it.

Secondly, will I still possess the ability to drive 55? Sometimes that is the speed limit, and I like to obey laws. I understand that is a problem Hagar has had in the past.

Lastly, is there any sort of compensation? Hagar has quite a bit more money than I do, but I feel that the least you could do is compensate me for my time and effort spent allowing you to probe my mind.

I want to thank you for your consideration in these matters. I have attached an application for you to look over.

Thank you,


Alien Brain Computer Application

Name: Nathan Badley                                    Age: 23 and ¾           Weight: None of your business

Race: Caucasian, not that you need to know that, you racist aliens.

Past Experiences: Has seen ET, Independence Day, and many episodes of ALF

Qualifications: I have the ability to turn my brain on and off at will.


6 thoughts on “Aliens Infiltrate Sammy Hagar’s Brain, Completely Ignore Mine

  1. Hahahah! Okay, not sure if you like/don’t like Sammy. I myself, much prefer Van Halen with David Lee Roth. Many people roll their eyes when I “admit” this, so I’ve taken to not saying anything. Yet, I’m broadcasting it here (go figure.)

    I knew about Sam while growing up, but never was familiar with any of his songs…except the “drive 55” and the echo of that from commercials or when his concert was being advertised.

    I agree, I can’t think of one Van Halen song which he was lead vocal…but I can come up with several with Mr. Roth. It could be because I was in highschool, where music defined our lives, and they were big POO back then…

    By the way, I grew up in Covina, which is near Glendora…and a girlfriend of mine (several years older than I)used to attend these “backyard” parties that Van Halen (before they made it big) used to perform. She claims David Lee Roth used to ask her out all the time and she said he was a skinny/ugly dude…even more so as a kid. She said NO WAY!

    It’s so strange- kind of like that game 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon…who has come in contact with Van Halen band members…

    Well, that friend who saw them at backyard parties and had David ask her out

    Then, after I graduated high school, another guy friend worked at a lighting company, and one of the brothers (Anthony?) came in and bought a chandelier for his Covina home. (where we lived)

    Then, just before/around the time? Sammy joined the band, a friend of mine went to Mexico and was hanging out in some local bar, sitting next to some random dude, who said it was his birthday and to swing on by his place as his girlfriend was planning a party. He did, that dude was Sammy…and the bar was his bar..the Wabo Cabo (or whatever?)

    There you go, some interesting facts you didn’t care to know about me! Again, the whole 6 degrees thing…

    As for your space alien letter, maybe they have already probed your mind and you just don’t remember? Sammy had a bad side effect, yours was minimized. (good, right?)



    • First of all, I would like to congratulate you on writing a full post as a reply. That is impressive.

      Secondly, David Lee Roth is infinitely better than Sammy Hagar. People will debate me, but “Jump” versus “The Sammy Hagar Tequilla Tune” (Like I said, I can’t think of any actual names of Hagar songs) shows Roth is quite a bit better.

      Although, I bet Sammy Hagar makes better Tequila then David Lee Roth. I don’t know this for a fact, but he has a lot more practice at it.


      • Yes I know, too-too long-sorry about that. That’s me and how I talk…too much! will work on that! If it makes you feel any better, you’re not the first! 🙂

        I hit reply to quickly…delete, delete, delete! (Damn, it!)


  2. There is a short story by theodore sturgeon…and I can’t remember the name of it but it revolves around aliens using the brain of an incredibly vapid young girl as a transmitting device- her mind is ideal for them simply because it is so empty.

    so if sammy hagar’s brain is being utilized, I can only guess it’s for similar reasons.


  3. I’m impreseed that you all know the names of individual band members of Van Halen. I feel proud of myself just for knowing of Van Halen. The last band of whom I was personally aware of the band memeber’s names included Paul, John, Ringo and George. Maybe you’ve heard of them? Judging by their later antics, perhaps aliens had inhabited their brains as well.


This Would Be A Really Good Time To Reply...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s