The Diary of a Victim of Cartoon Violence

Watch out. This is dangerous.

I don’t recall having a terrible childhood. I thought everything was pretty good at the time. Apparently, though, I should be the victim of terrible psychosis with rage issues and be morbidly obese.

I watch Mad Men on occasion and I am always thrown off by the scenes of pregnant women smoking and drinking. I am forced to remind myself that they didn’t know any better.

Apparently my parents didn’t either.

My parents allowed me to watch what I called at the time “cartoons,” but what are now called “displayed violence aimed at children.” Every Saturday, I ate my high-fructose corn syrup infused cereal (part of a complete balanced breakfast, as long as you plan on getting your nutrients somewhere else) and plopped myself in front of the television. There, I witnessed animal after animal maimed by bombs, sledge hammers, anvils, and all assortments of falling objects. They were often the objects themselves, hurtling off of the edge of a cliff while the creature they chased somehow managed to escape a fall to their death.

If you’ve seen cartoons now, there are no bombs in sight. No weaponry. No logic defying escapes from death. Just boring characters saying boring things while they participate in boring events.


The reason for this is, of course, due to the likelihood of the violence seen on television being repeated by children. The chances are greatly increased that your kid will sneak into your dynamite and anvil stash and try to destroy his friends if they watch Looney Tunes. If they watch the new cartoons, they’ll probably just gouge out their eyes out of boredom, which is completely victimless.

Black and white Looney Tunes opening title fro...

Image via Wikipedia


I have experienced this myself. At the time, it just seemed like innocent fun, but looking back I realize that I was bordering on becoming a public menace.

One Saturday, I experienced my usual cartoon and sugar induced buzz. While I focused on the blurry images on the screen (yes kids, this was BEFORE HD TV), I witnessed one of the greatest physics examples of my young life. A man was swiftly running, his arms and legs pumping while the soundtrack flitted and fluttered in the background. All of a sudden, his running was met with an unexpected impedance.

He hit a banana peel.

As soon as the man hit the ground, it was as if the thud of the body to ground contact shook an idea loose in my head.

I had to know if this would work.

I immediately went to work, a preteen version of Mythbusters. My lab would be my kitchen floor, much to the chagrin of my parents.

I carefully peeled a banana, making sure to leave the peel intact, before placing it, ever so gently, on the floor.

I’m sure I tried to talk my sister into being the subject of this particular exploration of the sciences. She was concerned with, of all things, that little fact that she would fall down if it was true. Since she was going to be a little baby, I was left to be the scientist and the guinea pig.

As it turns out, you don’t really fall down like in cartoons. You really just squish banana peel all over the kitchen floor. I’m not sure, but I think my mom would have dropped an anvil on my head that day. Fortunately, we lived in an anvil free household.

So I guess it might be a good thing that cartoons border on torture nowadays. Now all children have to reenact is whatever it is that’s entertaining about modern cartoons.

It, at least, keeps the kitchen floor a little bit cleaner.

6 thoughts on “The Diary of a Victim of Cartoon Violence

  1. Well, my kids didn’t need the help of cartoons. My (then) 3 year old figured out things on his own…

    “hmmm. I wonder what will happen when I chuck this hot wheels car at my baby sister’s forehead.” and “what about when she’s crawling and sitting up, I karate chop her neck, and send her flying backward hitting her head on the kitchen tile…hmmm!” Okay, she’s like to cry a lot and mom and dad freak out. Let’s move on to the next trial…what if I place a pillow on her face and play peek-a-boo, but lay on top of the pillow that will be fun! let’s see what happens!

    We didn’t need tv for that drama to unfold.



  2. I think Itchy and Scratchy is the perfect send-up of that whole unimaginative genre of “S&M Cartoons” where the premise of every single story is “one character gets to cheerfully eviscerate the other”. Tom and Jerry, Ant and the Aardvark, Road Runner, etc And let me be clear, that’s not a complaint about “Cartoon Violence” it’s just a poke at how monotonous those cartoons are. If you’ve see one you have literally seen them all.


This Would Be A Really Good Time To Reply...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s