Heartster: The Next Big Social Media Craze

Is Heartster really the next big social media craze?

People are always looking for the next big thing. Whether it’s technology, medicine, or just a random household appliance, science devotes 300 times the energy to developing these gems than what is spent trying to cure diseases (At least, those stats are right according to a study I did thirty seconds ago. I asked my cat and dog, and they didn’t argue, so it must be right).

That is why I always keep my ear to the ground and look forward to the next big thing. After countless boring articles from even more boring magazines, I have found the next big thing in social media.

The steps that have led us to this are obvious.

With Twitter, you were able to know everything your friend was thinking the minute they thought it. Gems like, “This burrito is tasty” and “New shoes for half price?! Woot!” flowed from our fingertips like prose from the heavens.

Then Four Square came along. Suddenly, we were able to tell all of our friends exactly where we were at all times. You want to know where John is? He just checked in at 7 Eleven. What about Tina? She’s at Subway. And where could that rascal Big Bobby be on this fine day? Why, he just checked in at Veronica’s Discount Lingerie Hut (You might want to ask him about that later).

What is the next step, you may ask?

Health Monitoring.

I know what you are thinking. What is this guy talking about? I looked at his picture on the about page for this blog and he doesn’t look like he knows anything at all. He looks like a big dummy.

First off, easy there. Words can hurt, and your’s just cut me like a ginsu knife.

Secondly, of course I know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the future in social media.

Sure, with Twitter and Foursquare you can know what your friend is doing and where, but you have no idea whether they are running, walking, sitting, laying, etc.

With Heartster, you can log in and see just how active your friend is. Just sign up and purchase the official Heartster heart rate monitor (sold exclusively at Best Buy and the Apple Store), and you can be showing off how fast your heart beats in a matter of minutes.

Taking a page out of Twitter’s Playbook, you can even follow your favorite celebrities. Wouldn’t you like to know every time Stephen Colbert takes a light jog? Now you can!

This device also finishes out what I like to call the technology Stalker Trio. With Twitter, you can see what your victim is planning on doing. With Foursquare, you can see exactly where they are at. Now, with Heartster, you can see if you are after a moving target or a stationary object to go after.

If you want to know exactly when your victim, or even your friend, has started exerting themselves, set up text updates. You’ll know the second that special someone dozes off for a mid-afternoon nap. And with the new Heartster graphing feature, you can even track how long past naps have been, allowing you to know the exact amount of time you have to root through their garbage before they wake up.

Yes, friends, this is the best thing since sliced bread, and that’s saying a lot. Sliced bread is amazing. Before that, you just piled your sandwich ingredients on top of a loaf of bread. It was messy and unpleasant, just like life was before Heartster.

This is sure to be the next cool thing, so make sure you sign up now, because it will probably only be the cool thing for another two months.

That’s when Human Lojack comes out.


One thought on “Heartster: The Next Big Social Media Craze

  1. Please tell me, how no one else has been commenting on your site! You’ve got such an awesome sense of humor and can write well to reflect that! I’m going to have to get the word out on ya!

    By the way, I tried Twitter for awhile, and am following several people and several are following me and I can’t make one connection! (how is that possible?)

    It’s all about what can you do for me on marketing–self promote–self promote…since I’m not buying their services, guess that makes me not worth for a chat…so I left the forum before I could really understand all the lingo…went back recently and still don’t get the Acronyms, but now that damn Four Square thing…”Sandi just checked in at 555 Toilet Lane and is taking a dump. the heart monitor indicates she’s done!”

    The thing that surprises me the most, the people I wouldn’t think would give this the time of day, are the worst offenders. I’ve come to the conclusion they must be getting paid to advertise! (or there’s something free involved.)

    I haven’t returned to Twitter for a month now. I get so irritated.



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