The Airlines Don’t Know Who They’re Messing With…

This is the last straw. I suddenly am able to understand how Patrick Henry felt when he screamed “Give liberty or make me deaf!” (I think that’s right. I didn’t pay much attention in school).
Today, though, airlines have made a powerful enemy.
I can’t stand it anymore. First, they started charging everyone luggage fees because they knew most people can’t function without clean underwear.
Then, they started x-raying us in the airports because they were afraid that we were carrying bombs or possibly had bone density problems. This caused many people to strip down to their underwear instead of being subjected to such punishment, making the airport a significantly grosser place.
With this latest move, though, they have crossed the invisible but ever so serious line. They have trampled on our freedom and rights as an overweight, but ever so powerful, country.
They are taking away our snacks.
This week, Continental Airlines discontinued their policy of offering complimentary pretzels to coach passengers. They also are taking away Biscoff, which is apparently a cookie. I’ve never heard of it, but it sounds European, so you know it’s delicious.
If you are a passenger, you can receive a snack pack during your flight for the exorbitant price of $3.95, or 47.30 in pesos for Mexican friends. $3.95! That’s the price of a meal at McDonalds in 1998!
This, my friends, is the definition of a slippery slope. First, they charge for the complimentary snacks. Next, blankets and pillows will come with a hefty price tag. Before you know it, you are signing away your mortgage and the rights to your first born son just to secure the airplane lavatory long enough to take care of the after effects of the airport food.
We must take a stand before those in charge of the Airline Mafia take away all that makes America the greatest country in the history of the world. By that, I, of course, mean free snacks.
We must defy them on every turn. When they say “Return to your seat,” you stand up. When they say “Seriously, sir, we’re about to land,” you stand strong like the forefathers did, showing tyranny that it cannot tread on you. And when the Air Marshall takes you down, you sit there cuffed to your seat knowing full well that you stood up for what was right: snacks.
The airlines will hear our cries and know that there is no defeating us. We are America. Without our snacks, we are nothing.
Of course, we could just bring our own pretzels on the plane. Or maybe even Sunchips. Everyone can bring their own favorite snack. It will be like a flying snack party. That will show them.
Never mind. Problem solved.

One thought on “The Airlines Don’t Know Who They’re Messing With…

  1. I remember my first flight being magical, my second as being sort of a bummer and every single flight since as a chore.

    I always bring a snack, several things to do and the ability to creep out other passengers as a way to entertain myself.


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