The following letter is intended to be tongue in cheek. It is not meant to be taken seriously. Please do not take it seriously. In response to the Supreme Court ruling in favor of the Westboro Baptist Church‘s right to protest funerals, I have written them a letter. I do NOT, in any way, agree with the Westboro Baptist Church or any stance they have taken on anything. Ever. I think they are a group of nutty in-breeders that seem to have made it their goal in life to have everyone in the world hate them. They are doing a fine job at it.
With that said, I am basically hoping to ruffle their feathers enough to be protested by them.
Dear Fred Phelps and the rest of the Westboro Baptist Congregation (aka your family),
I want to congratulate you on receiving your ruling from the Supreme Court. You still get to protest funerals! Hooray!
Going into this suit, I was worried that the Supreme Court in all of its supremeness would say that you were no longer allowed to protest funerals. What a tragedy that would have been! How else is the rest of the world supposed to know exactly what God hates?
Fortunately, the court ruled in favor of you. Now you can continue letting us know how God hates the entire world because of homosexuality. He sure does hate a lot of things, doesn’t He?
I would also like to personally thank you for advancing Christianity. See, I also am a Christian from Kansas. I’m just like you (with less in-breeding). You have truly inspired those dirty rotten heathens to change their way of thinking. You should be sainted!
I have several questions about your organization. If I were to become involved, do you supply the poster board for signs? I would love to protest, but unfortunately my poster board budget for the year is shot. I blew it all building a poster board fort last month. It was really cool and I did enjoy my campout in it, but now my wife won’t allow me to buy anymore poster board! Can you believe it?! I’m sure that kind of thing happens to you all the time.
My second question is much more important. I know God hates those homosexuals, but what else is He against? I figured, since you seem to have the direct pipeline to God’s thoughts, you might be able to tell me if there are any other evils I need to be aware of. For instance, how about frozen yogurt? Fro-Yo places are popping up left and right where I live. That can’t be a good thing at all. Should I go picket them (and will you provide the poster board)? Also, while I’m picketing the frozen yogurt shops, am I allowed to go inside and buy some? They have a cheesecake yogurt that is out of this world. It’s delicious and fat free!
I would love to discuss this with you in person some time. Perhaps you can come have dinner with me in my poster board fort. Don’t worry. I’ll put out the “No Same-Sex Allowed” sign, so you won’t have to worry about them invading.