Bristol Palin Gets Book Deal. I Am Still Writing a Blog.

This is a real book

I’ve been floating all day long. Today, I heard the best news I’ve ever heard in my lifetime. This makes up for every bad thing that has ever happened to me. This is what I’ve been living for.
Bristol Palin is writing a book.
This book is not just any book. No, it’s an intimate look at all twenty years of her life. I don’t want to spoil anything, but the first chapters will be about her childhood.
It seems like everyone is able to get a book deal these days. First, Denver Broncos’ backup quarterback, Tim Tebow, was given a book deal to write an inspirational tome about life and faith. It is guaranteed to be the best autobiography written by a backup quarterback with less than five NFL starts. This book has been described as “Like Huckleberry Finn, but with more offensive language.” (Editors note: No it has not.)
Now Palin gets a book too. What a country we live in. All you have to do to get a book deal is be a teenage mother and dance well enough on a reality show to beat Florence Henderson.
That’s not even the bottom of the barrel. Snooki has written a book. Last month, she released her debut piece of literature entitled A Shore Thing. According to the publisher, it is a book describing her search for love on the boardwalk. And it’s not even illustrated, which is a shame since she looks so much like a Dr. Seuss character.
To put this into perspective, Mark Twain’s autobiography was released last year. He had written it and asked that it not be published for 100 years. It was so juicy, he was afraid to release while some of the people he wrote about were still alive.
This autobiography, written by one of the greatest writers of all time, sits in the same section as a “book” “written” by “Snooki.”
I feel like these books should be put into a separate section. I would call it “Near-biographies.” There, you can go find Red: My Life in Rock by Sammy Hagar (real book), All My Life: A Memoir by Susan Lucci (real book), or That’s the Way the Watermelon Crumbles by Gallagher (should be a real book).
This section should come with a posted warning:

WARNING: This section barely contains proper English, let alone literature. Read these books at your own risk. Never attempt to use these books for a book report, as this will result in a guaranteed F.

Now, I don’t want to sound critical of Palin. She deserves a book way more than Snooki (Gallagher is still higher on the list), but I don’t know that she will have that much to say. How many times can you write “Don’t get pregnant” before people stop paying attention. Just in case you are actually trying to calculate it, it’s 1.2 times.
With all that said, I would be more than happy to ghostwrite it. If you can get in touch with any Palin, put my name out there. I can come up with some exciting stories to put into it. In fact, I would probably just go on TMZ, take all the Charlie Sheen stories, and substitute her name in there.
That would beat Snooki for sure.

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