Dear Lady Running in the Snow, STOP IT NOW PLEASE!

A running ladys legsAs a I exited my apartment this morning, I was greeted with arctic air and a slippery sidewalk. I slowly made my way to my vehicle, shuffling my feet to keep from falling. I’m sure I looked like a crazy person. I’m not talking normal crazy, I’m talking “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” crazy.
After maneuvering the treacherous terrain (all ten feet of it), I arrived at the driver’s side of my 1994 Ford Explorer. Only a hint of the red door was visible through the layers of ice and snow. I went to open the door and realized either I had lost significant muscle mass overnight or the door was super frozen. I preferred to think it was frozen because I like to feel strong. Either way, it was not going to open.
I shuffled my way to the passengers side and entered the car. I then did what any reasonable human would: kicked the daylights out of the driver’s side door until it popped open.
The next 10 minutes were a blur of scraping, getting into my car to see if I could see through the ice, scraping some more, then giving up and looking through the 6 inch hole I had actually made in the ice. It is not a safe decision, but it was cold outside and scraping windshields is about as fun as amputating your own arm, at least that’s what it seemed like watching the trailer to “127 Hours.”
As I drove down the street, I faintly was able to make out a shape through the ice on my windshield. It was pink and moving very slowly through the snow. Upon closer inspection, it was a lady. More specifically, a lady jogging.
I am very aware that I am not the most athletic of people. I would prefer to watch tv, read a book, cut my toenails, stare at the wall and do nothing, than have to run. This, however, seemed nuts.
If you have to wear gloves, a scarf, a stocking hat, a parka, or any combination of the above to go running, you should not go running. If you must run, find a treadmill. If you can’t find a treadmill but you’re still jonesing for a run, you seriously have a major problem. Your loved ones need to throw you a little intervention.
Before anyone gets upset with me, I’m all for physical fitness. It’s good for people and makes them stay alive. If you are against people staying alive, you are not a great person.
There are other things you can do to get a workout, though. Inside things. What about Tae-Bo? Remember that stuff? Billy Blanks was hardcore and made you do all kinds of excercisey things that seemed very unpleasant, but at least you got to stay inside. Unless you really wanted to do Tae-Bo outside, but that means you’re a freak and the neighbors will all judge you from the warmth of their homes.
I do admire her dedication, though. Anytime I am trying to enact a workout regimen, I do it two days, then on the third day make up an excuse such as, “I’m afraid if I work out too much I’ll get an ingrown toenail.” It doesn’t make any sense, but you don’t have to come up with a good excuse when you’re only trying to convince yourself.
I shouldn’t have to worry about a random lady making me look bad the night after a snowstorm, though. She should have the common decency to work out at home out of my sight.
Also, she should by a Tae-Bo tape because, seriously, has anyone seen Billy Blanks lately?

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