All across this grand country, the trailer parks are abuzz. The Super Bowl of auto racing has arrived. This Sunday, the Daytona 500 will be run.
(Little known fact: The first Daytona 500 was run in 1845 when a young Abraham Lincoln outraced Mark Twain. He was later disqualified for using illegal shoes on his horse, raising the horsepower from 1 to 1.1.)
This may make me less manly to admit, but NASCAR is the most boring sport to me. In fact, I’m not sure it even qualifies as a sport. If it is something a housewife does on the way to the grocery store, it definitely isn’t really Olympic caliber. That’s why the American Carpooling League (ACL) hasn’t really taken off like I thought it would.
If NASCAR really wants people like me (or anyone besides their core audience of Waffle House patrons and motor heads) to care about cars driving in circles, they really need to rethink how they are doing the whole thing.
Fortunately I am here to offer up a few terrific suggestions.
1. Install jet engines in all vehicles.
My main complaint about NASCAR is the races takes hours. I might enjoy races, but I have a short attention span. That is why I watch the 100 meter dash in the Olympics and not the marathon. The relay races are even long enough to test my attention span.
By installing jet engines, NASCAR would appease two audiences: The MTV generation and the gear heads. I would definitely watch the Daytona 500 if it lasted five minutes or less, and the people who have borderline romantic relationships with their cars would be happy too.
2. Add cross traffic
Watching cars drive around over and over gets old. I would bet that even the drivers sometimes drift off during the race. Adding a soccer mom on her way to pick up her kids from practice would make the race completely different. The more pedestrian vehicle driving through the track, the better.
If the track would turned into an obstacle course, the excitement would immediately jump from a one to at least a three. Think about it. Which was more popular: Fast and the Furious or that Elvis classic Speedway? You’ve never heard of Speedway? That’s because even Elvis’ scandalous hips couldn’t make people care about NASCAR.
3. Remove all rules
If anyone tries to argue that a NASCAR race with weaponry would be boring, they should be immediately removed from your life.
Give each racer turtle shells and banana peels to throw at their fellow racers. Also, put a gorilla on a go-kart in the middle of the race. Everyone loves gorillas.
Think about this while you watch the Daytona 500 this weekend. You should have about five minutes of solid thinking before the boredom of the race puts you to sleep.