Scientists Find Dark Brooding Replacement for Pluto

For years students have learned about our solar system and the planets in boring old science classes. They would have to recite the planets in order from the sun over and over. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. A pandemic of boredom inflicted our schools, killing at least 1,000. It was old, stale and worn out, but what could teachers do about it?
It seems that scientists have taken a cue from shows like “The Hills” by making the solar system as dramatic as possible.
First, they decided to scorn one planet. After years with all of the others celestial bodies, scientists said Pluto wasn’t good enough for the other planets and had to stop hanging out with them. They also started a rumor that Pluto cheated on Neptune with Saturn, supposedly because the rings were “just so dreamy.”
This was a smart move by scientists. It sparked a huge uproar (and by huge, I mean moderately sized), dividing the nation, nay, the world, into two camps: Pluto-lovers and I-don’t-really-carers. Suddenly the solar system wasn’t so dull. All over the world this conversation took place.
“Did you hear about Pluto?”
“The dog?”
“No. The planet.”
“Is that the big one that we orbit around?”
“No. That’s the sun.”
“Are you sure? Let me check wikipedia…”
Now, scientists have taken it one step further. After writing out a character, all good writers know what needs to be done next. They had to introduce a new one. Enter Tyche.
Two scientists from the University of Louisiana (the nation’s foremost authority on planets as well as jambalaya) have discovered a new planet that is four times the size of Jupiter. It’s dark and mysterious like all good dramatic characters are. I’m sure it has a troubled past, several run-ins with the intergalactic law, maybe an abusive father. Plus it only shows up every two years from (and I swear I’m not making this up) the Oort Cloud, an area in the outer solar system, marking it as the new kid who moved into town.
This also opens up several storylines for everyone’s favorite planets.
First, Tyche will have to begin to date Pluto’s ex, Neptune. Neptune is, without a doubt, the good wholesome girl of planets, so she would naturally begin to date the dark brooding Tyche.
That would, or course, lead to Pluto returning, only to find his (or her? I’m not sure how you tell the gender of planets…) spot filled by Tyche. They will start an all out war over Neptune, ending with Pluto dragging Tyche’s name through the mud, or whatever the space equivalent to mud would be.
Tyche would be left with no choice but to perform some sort of grand gesture to prove he really was the planet everyone thought he was and Pluto would, once again, be kicked out of the group.
The only way this story could be anymore youth oriented is if you made the planets vampires, and I’m sure NASA has already thought of that.

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