A Dog’s Diary Entry

Dear diary,

Today was another disappointing day. As the sun breached the darkness of my master’s bedroom, I became fully aware of the atrocities that are humans sleeping. To put it in a very human way, “Uh, dude, that’s gross.” Their mouths gaped open, leaving strings of saliva dripping out of the ever-widening facial orifices. I have dined on my own feces in the past, and the sight of their awakening is increasingly more boorish. I left to locate a shoe to chew on just to remove myself from their morning breath.

I was scolded harshly and unnecessarily again today after taking my morning doodle in the kitchen. The female master threw me outside, professing that I needed to finish going “potty.” What am I? Some sort of lesser animal, forced to defecate in the wild blue yonder amongst the bugs and worms? Even the cat gets to poop inside. He even gets a sand box to play in while he does it.

You would think the least the masters could do is let me eat some of their food. Every day, almost every meal, there it is. Meat. Glorious meat. I’m forced to eat the dry brown “kibbles,” all the while smelling the scent of charred flesh. And yet, when I politely sit off to the side and ask for a little, I’m told to “Go lay down.” I am not tired. I am hungry. Why would I lay? Hmmm? Why? I’m sorry that I have inconvenienced you by sitting here silently watching you eat. How thoughtless!

Aside from that, I mostly just slept and licked my privates.

Most sincerely,

2 thoughts on “A Dog’s Diary Entry

  1. It wouldn’t let me share this on facebook because of offensive content. I can only assume they mean multiple uses of the term “poop” and its synonyms.


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