You Want a Hit TV Show? Here It Is….

Attention, television executives. I have done it. After countless hours of research (or at least that’s what I call it to justify watching TV instead of helping around the house), I have come up with the perfect show. A show so big, the NFL will want to broadcast the Super Bowl AFTER it.
To create the perfect show, first I looked at the most popular programs on TV. “Two and a Half Men” has been the number one comedy for the last 853 years despite its apparent lack of creativity and humor.
The biggest category around, reality shows, have split into three camps, both of which are popular. The first category would be shows about “celebrities” where, despite the fact that their life is devoid of intrigue, are able to capture the nations attention. The second would be hard hitting reality shows, showcasing at least one person addicted to a combination of black tar heroin and crystal meth that they call Tarstal Heroith. The third would be where the celebrities from the first two programs attempt to prove their athletic prowess by participating in sports that they should never be even associated with.
If you look further, every third show on TV is a dramatic or semi-dramatic representation of the legal system. In these shows, there is always a wisecracking character for comic relief.
Then, of course, there is Glee.
If you combine all of these, what you get is simple: TV so bad, no one will ever stop watching it.
This show will be a reality show about a celebrity who becomes medical examiner, but has always had Olympic Ski Jump ambitions. To qualify for the Olympics, he will have to kick a drug habit as well as train around his murder solving schedule.
Charlie Sheen, everyone’s favorite comedic actor will star since he already has that drug problem ready for exploiting. He also seems like he would cause unnecessary drama (such as locking a prostitute in a closet), so his life would be perfect for the reality portions.
The show’s title is still up in the air, but I’m leaning towards Charlie Sheen’s Ski Jump Investigator. His best friend will be his medical examiner partner, played by any female who is able to crack a joke every so often. They will have crazy sexual tension until sweeps, in which case Sheen will marry her.
After that, just for good measure, he will then adopt one of the E*trade babies, who will proceed to turn every popular song of the day into a show tune.
It’s the perfect show, but I know what you’re thinking. What if Sheen won’t do it? First off, why wouldn’t he? Is he an idiot? This would be his Citizen Kane. Secondly, if he doesn’t want to do it, Lindsay Lohan will.
I will be taking bids from all networks, so when you are ready for a gigantic truck load of money, message and we’ll negotiate.
My demands are simple: $10 billion, an executive producer title, and, of course, that I never have to watch this show. It sounds terrible.

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