Superbowl XLV minute by minute…

The Super Bowl. Everyone’s favorite excuse to eat nachos and chicken wings. But when the game is over, who really remembers what all has happened during the game? This year, I have decided to document all the things worth remembering.

2:45 pm- Turn on the pregame show. Michael Irvin can pull off a pinstriped suit like nobody’s business.
2:53 pm- I think Michael Strahan interviewing Harrison Ford has to be the second worst thing ever on television. The first: Snooki.
3:02 pm- Frank Caliendo does an impression of George W. Bush. It’s a good thing he has kept his impression repertoire from becoming dated.
3:16 pm- Jennifer Aniston attempts to throw a pass to Michael Strahan and overthrows him. That officially means she has a stronger arm then Buffalo Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick.
3:21 pm- Guy Fieri stars in a Ritz commercial. I suddenly wish I was blind and deaf.
3:22 pm- First Glee promo.
3:31 pm- I eat my first hot wing.
3:37 pm- I check the foxsports website. Troy Aikman advises the teams to keep it clean, saying whichever team makes the fewest mistakes will win. I sure hope the coaches checked that site before they come up with their game plan. Otherwise, how will they know NOT to screw up.
3:40 pm- E*trade babies are almost as bad as Guy Fieri.
3:47 pm- Bill O’Reilly interviews Barrack Obama. Awkward. Obama looks casual without a tie while O’Reilly looks constipated.
3:51 pm- Bill O’Reilly’s record of four minutes without arguing with a guest is broken when he discusses health care.
4:00 pm- O’Reilly berates Obama for a Super Bowl pick. Obama tells O’Reilly to stay and take off his tie. I smell love!
4:18 pm- Second Glee promo.
4:32 pm- Third Glee promo.
4:36 pm- Terry Bradshaw interviews Ben Roethlisberger. Bradshaw asks to borrow some facial hair for his Hairclub for Men treatments.
4:45 pm- Frank Caliendo implies Shaquille O’Neil is stupid. I try to figure out what this has to do with football. It gives me a headache.
4:47 pm- Everyone in the pregame picks the Packers to win except Terry Bradshaw.
4:49 pm- Cuba Gooding Jr. does a Groupon commercial. It isn’t what a Oscar winner should have to do to make money, but it was better than Snow Dogs.
4:55 pm- NFL players read the Declaration of Independence surrounded by children, soldiers, and farm equipment. All the while, the soundtrack from Glory seems to be playing in the background. It would be an entirely different reading if they had the Black Eyed Peas play for this too.
5:03 pm- The Pregame Show ends. It then becomes the Prekick show.
5:10 pm- Sam Elliot introduces the teams, leaving me wondering: Ben Roethlisberger’s beard or Sam Elliot’s mustache in a facial hair fight.
5:20 pm- The annoying girl from Glee sings America the Beautiful.
5:30 pm- The Hall of Fame class of 2011 is introduced. Deion Sanders suit is flashy. What a surprise.
5:38 pm- Packers fumble the punt. In a movie, that might be what we call foreshadowing.
5:46 pm- Kenny G appears in a commercial for Audi. Even Kenny G makes fun of Kenny G now.
5:57 pm- Commercial for the new Fast and the Furious movie comes out. Surely this one will get Paul Walker a best actor nod.
6:01 pm- 29-yard touchdown pass from Rodgers to Nelson. 7-0 Green Bay.
6:04 pm- The Steelers respond by getting a block in the back penalty. That is what we call great planning.
6:07 pm- Roethlisberger throws an interception that Green Bay returns for a touchdown. He still has a great beard.
6:16 pm- First Quarter ends with Roethlisberger running for a first down. The coach on the sidelines liked it so much he patted his butt four times. Job well done. 14-0 Green Bay after one quarter.
6:17 pm- Joan Rivers appears in a commercial. The whole world goes “BLEH!”
6:18 pm- Fourth Glee promo.
6:23 pm- Steelers kick a field goal.
6:33 pm- Fox shows us Roethlisberger sexual harassment headlines. A good time is had by all.
6:40 pm- Roseanne Barr gets split in half by a log for Snickers. The world better hope the two halves don’t grow into two separate Roseannes. No one is ready for that.
6:42 pm- Bush intercepts Roethlisberger’s pass. Terry Bradshaw takes back every nice thing he said during their pregame love fest.
6:45 pm- Rodgers to Jennings for a touchdown. 21-3 Green Bay.
6:48 pm- Roethlisberger’s QB rating is 29.8. On the bright side, he does get to go into the locker room while the Black Eyed Peas are playing, so at least the day doesn’t completely suck.
6:51 pm- Fifth Glee promo.
6:57 pm- Roethlisberger throws for a touchdown. 21-10 Green Bay.
7:00 pm- Halftime starts. The countdown to the Black Eyed Peas begins. All of America gets up to go to the bathroom.
7:07 pm- Tom Brady is named NFL MVP. Most likely, it has to do with his Bieber hair.
7:09 pm- The Black Eyed Peas are lowered onto the stage. Unfortunately, this ends with them singing.
7:12 pm- Fergie announces she is “so 2008.” She must not have opened that calendar I sent her for Christmas.
7:13 pm- The Black Eyed Peas ruin a Guns And Roses song. Slash seems oblivious.
7:17 pm- I never thought a halftime show would make me wish for the Rolling Stones to play a halftime show again, but darn it, if the Black Eyed Peas weren’t able to do it!
7:23 pm- Sixth Glee promo.
7:30 pm- Seventh Glee promo (sponsored by Chevrolet!)
7:31 pm- Second half starts. Pam Oliver announces Charles Woodson is out.
7:38 pm- Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Beiber star in a commercial together. Hell freezes.
7:39 pm- Rashard Mendenhall runs directly into a cameraman on the sideline. A concussion is a great souvenir from the Super Bowl.
7:42 pm- Rushing touchdown Mendenhall. 21-17 Green Bay.
7:47 pm- Joe Buck declares that Steelers fans are making “a ton of noise.” How much sound is in 2000 pounds?
8:00 pm- Steelers attempt a 52 yard field goal. They miss by about 52 yards. 21-17 Green Bay.
8:05 pm- Eighth Glee promo.
8:07 pm- Troy Aikman compares this football game to his golfing. Because the only thing more intense than a close Super Bowl is Troy Aikman golfing.
8:14 pm- The Packers challenge a play. Listening to Joe Buck and Troy Aikman discuss challenges is still better than the halftime show.
8:21 pm- Rashard Mendenhall rushes for eight yards to end the third quarter. If the Steelers when the game, I think they should build the Rashard Mendenhall of Fame.
8:25 pm- Rashard Mendenhall fumbles and the Packers gain possession. It is now the Rashard Mendenhall of Shame.
8:31 pm- Aaron Rodgers passes to Jennings for a touchdown. Terry Bradshaw weeps. 28-17 Packers.
8:33 pm- Ninth Glee promo.
8:42 pm- Roethlisberger throws a touchdown. They decide to go for two. They run the option and score. 28-25 Green Bay.
8:48 pm- Doctor House throws his cane at a child in a commercial for House. It hits the kid. That cantankerous Doctor House! He is out of control!
8:51 pm- Just when the Steelers thought they would get a break, Aaron Rodgers throws a 31 yard pass for first down. To top off their misfortune sundae, some yells from the stands that the Steelers yellow pants make their butts look huge.
8:56 pm- The Steelers stop the Packers in the Red Zone and force them to kick a field goal. To celebrate, the Pittsburgh defender uses jazz hands. Come to think of it, that might just be a cross promotion with Glee.
9:00 pm- At the two minute warning, the Steelers trail by six. To celebrate, they are penalized half the distance to the goal.
9:01 pm- Tenth Glee promo, Cross promoted with Chevy. Oh Glee!
9:02 pm- Kim Kardashian tells the world that Sketchers shape ups are responsible for that eighth continent she calls her butt.
9:03 pm- Eleventh Glee promo.
9:04 pm- The Steelers have fourth down with 56 seconds left in the game. They decide to throw an incomplete pass. I’m not sure what their game plan might be here…
9:06 pm- The Packers down the ball to take the Lombardi Trophy.
9:14 pm- The postgame show starts without Terry Bradshaw. No one is sure where he is, but the best bet is in the locker room waiting to kill Roethlisberger. Or maybe in the bathroom. He looks like a guy who would eat nachos the whole game. Those jalapenos will catch up to you.
9:17 pm- The trophy is brought on to the field with a b-side from Chariots of Fire playing in the background. We find Terry Bradshaw in a giant football holding a mic in Roger Goodell face.
9:20 pm- Terry Bradshaw has to interview Aaron Rogers, the Super Bowl MVP. What’s great is watching Bradshaw’s soul die just a little bit during the interview.
9:26 pm- Mike Tomlin is interviewed in the Steelers locker room. It’s very quiet in there. Too quiet…
9:31 pm- Twelfth Glee promo.
9:35 pm- Thirteenth and fourteenth Glee promos.

That is the greatness that was Super Bowl XLV (is that pronounced excelev? That’s not a word at all…) Cherish it forever. Unless you’re Terry Bradshaw, in which case, just let it go, man. Seriously. It isn’t that big a deal. Don’t lose your hair over it….ooo. Sorry about that.

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