Tuesday started off very poorly. I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock. After hitting snooze until the very last second I could, I crawled out of bed. I stood up straight and immediately realized two things. I was still tired. Not regular tired, but somehow after a full night’s sleep, I was more […]
Dear man who collected my urine today, It was great meeting you today. You seemed like a perfectly friendly person. Under normal circumstances, we might have become friends. Of course, normal circumstances do not involve the exchange of my urine. I wanted to take a second to apologize to you. It’s not that I […]
Several days ago, I began a tale of dread, a saga of horror. I began to tell the story of my trip to the Driver’s License Bureau. We now will rejoin this tale as our hero is headed to the second of the three lines. Line 2: Versus Per Totus Of Numerus (The Line […]
The following post may seem very incoherent. Please do not hold it against me. It was early Wednesday morning when I awoke. I got out of my bed ready to start the day, only something did not seem right. I looked at the clock thinking maybe I had pulled a Rip Van Winkle and slept […]
-There has been a lot of debate about the legalization of marijuana. People for it say that the taxes it brings in would help the country while people against it say that everyone will immediately rush out and reenact their favorite Cheech and Chong movies. I think we’re focusing on the wrong thing, though. I […]
The other night, I was enjoying a delightful evening of family time. We had just eaten dinner and, much to my wife’s chagrin, were settling in for an evening of playoff baseball. Things were going strong when my sister came down the stairs in a ridiculous pair of shorts. There were animals involved and a […]
DEAR NATHAN: I am a 13-year-old boy. My dad and I have a disagreement. I have been throwing away the lunches my mom packs for school because I don’t like them and buying school lunches. I realize this was ungrateful and dishonest, and I regret doing it. As a punishment, Dad won’t let me go […]
Dear Febreze Air Freshener, Over the years, you have been there for me and I want to thank you for that. When a dog laid on my jacket and coated it in dog-stink, you were there. When I neglected to take my trash out for several days despite the multiple scents that were emanating from […]
In America, the average male lives to be 75.6 years old. As a 25-year-old, I plan on having many years left before I leave the impression of my butt in that great big comfy couch in the sky. To most people, I would be considered young. I just became able to rent a car […]
As I was driving down the road today, I came upon a car stopped on the shoulder. Pulled by this car was a trailer. Now, this is a common sight. I have seen thousands of trailers in my life, but something was different here. This one had a catapult on it. Living in an urban […]
