As a rule, people seem to like Star Wars too much.
I know this is a controversial statement, but it is true. Sure, the movies are entertaining, but anyone who says they are the greatest movies in the history of the world are delusional. Everyone knows that the greatest movies in history are the Rocky movies, from Rocky all the way to Rocky IV.*
While claiming that these movies are pure greatness is bad, there are a group of people who take this love to a far more bizarre point. It becomes an obsession that both disturbs and fascinates.
That is why there is a man named Darth Vader in England. Surprisingly, his name has nothing to do with why someone tried to punch him in the face.
The story of Lord Vader’s would-be facial beating is one that has been told a million times before. Darth Vader was hanging out as he always does when he spotted an attractive dame. Everyone knows Darth Vader’s one weakness is the female form. While the facts are hazy, I assume that their first conversation went something like this:
“Well ‘ello there. I’m Darth.”
“Tee hee hee. You mean like in the movies? You’re havin’ a laugh.”
“No. Just like the movies. Say, would you like to get out of here?”
Just like that, a romance for the ages had begun. Only there was a small catch. Darth Vader was married. Not only that, but the girl had a boyfriend named Ikbal Hares. Apparently, this girl has a fetish for unusual names.
Ikbal went to visit Darth and he was in a very foul mood. This is understandable as he had just found out his girlfriend had engaged in sexual contact with a person named after a Star Wars character.** He knocked on the door and had the following conversation.
“’Ey, are you Vader?”
“Why, yes I am. What can I do for you?”
“You shagged my lass. Now, I will brain you.”
At this, Ikbal Hares swung at Darth Vader. Unexpectedly, though, Mrs. Vader stepped out and, trying to break up the fight, took a punch to the face.
I don’t know what the strangest part of this story is, but I know one thing: If I were Ikbal, I would leave names out when I mention this in my court-mandated anger management course.
Nothing makes a person feel worse than having a therapist laugh at you.
*For those astute movie viewers amongst us, you may point out that there are more than four Rocky films. As far as I am concerned, Rocky V does not exist. I mean, why would a former world champion boxer street fight against his protégé, especially if he has been told that one more blow to the head could kill him.
As far as the movie Rocky Balboa goes, I own but have not ever seen it. I don’t know why and every time I see the disk, I feel a bit strange and ashamed.
**If I were to find out my girlfriend had cheated on me with someone who had the name of a Star Wars character, I would want it to be R2D2. I would not, however, want it to be Lando Calrissian, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, or Yoda. I can’t explain it, but somehow I think I would take the news better if their name was just a series of letters and numbers.
- Walsall Man Accused Of Assaulting Darth Vader’s Wife (contactmusic.com)
- British man punches Darth Vader’s wife in the face (riehlworldview.com)
- Man Convicted of Punching Darth Vader’s Wife (neatorama.com)
- Darth Vader and the Contracts Clause (volokh.com)
- Darth Vader’s Wife Punched In The Head (contactmusic.com)